


The Dialogue

by sinnerman



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-07-11
Updated: 2011-06-26
Packaged: 2017-10-10 12:32:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 34,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/99763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinnerman/pseuds/sinnerman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Shepard saved the galaxy.  So, who's going to save Commander Shepard - from herself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. {"You're the only one. The only person I could talk to."}

"I didn't tell you because I knew you would be mad!"

"I'm not mad, well, not really.  I just....  Serenity, you're hard to handle sometimes.  You know that, right?"

Serenity sighed and sank down on the floor.  "What was I supposed to do, let everyone starve?"

"No, of course not."  His voice was dark and sweet.  "You did the right thing.  It's just...  kind of emasculating."  He cocked his head, regarded her curiously.  "Don't you ever get tired of protecting me?"

Her head shot up at that.  "No!  Never!"

He smiled wryly.  "That's part of the problem, isn't it?  It's nice, though."  He pulled off his jacket, tossed it on the chair, then joined her on the floor.  "I mean, I never even thought about it.  I just blissfully assumed our pay was going to keep coming.  And even if I had known, I wouldn't have had enough money to help.  Not the way you did."

"It's just credits," she said shyly.  "They were just sitting there."

"I'm curious," he asked.  "So you're currently paying the salaries for the entire crew with some weird bond from the Alliance Military?"

She nodded.

"All by yourself?"

"Not exactly," she murmured.  "I have a few trust funds, and I convinced the financial groups that run them to do this for the Normandy and, er, a few other ships.  It's not really important, they'll get their money back and it's good for the economy.  And stuff."

"That is a lot of money."  He stared at her for a moment.  She continued looking down at her hands, nervously rubbing them together when she thought he wasn't watching.  "I mean, I knew you were rich, but this is way out of my l-"

"Don't say that!"  Her voice was sharp, and shook slightly.  "Don't ever say that."  She put her head down, and didn't speak for a moment.

"Serenity, I didn't mean...  wow, this is coming out all wrong."  He put an arm around her, hoping to reassure her with his touch and erase the sting of his words.  "I'm impressed beyond words that you thought of your crew at such a time.  To me, that's even more amazing than defeating Saren.  You proved you're just as much a leader in peace as you are in war.  And sometimes, you're as far away as the stars – but then, like right now – you're just a very beautiful woman who needs me."

"Oh, Kaidan, I'm sorry!  I should have told you!"  She threw her arms around him, kneeling, and buried her face in his chest.  "I just didn't want you to be mad or jealous or anything!"

"Can I be impressed?  Is that okay?"  He leaned back a little, tilted her head up so that he could see her eyes.  "I do wish you had told me.  I know why you didn't, I just...  you shouldn't shut me out, Serenity."

She was crying, and he hated himself for it.  She was sensitive over such odd, little things.  He pulled her close, held her silently.  He had to tell her, he had to let her know that he really did care.  She knew he didn't care about the money itself, and he knew that she knew.  He needed to make her see that he cared about being included in her life, her decisions, that he wasn't going to just bask in her shadow.  Being in love like this wasn't easy.  It wasn't even fun most of the time.

But being in love with Serenity Shepard was the most wonderful thing in the universe.


	2. {"You can't make me disappear just because you say it's over."}

"Serenity."

"We are not having this discussion."  Her green eyes sparked; her voice was cold.

"Yes, we are."  He followed her into her cabin.  The room was clean, the air filtered.  The desk organized and neat.  No trace remained of last night's bout of drinking.  There was no sign of all the empty bottles that had littered the room so badly that he had almost broken an ankle trying to get to her side a few hours ago.

"Fine, close the door."  He did so, and she sat down on the couch, facing him.  He took a chair.  She wasn't relaxed on the couch.  She was stiff, quietly furious.

Suddenly this seemed like a very hard, very pointless fight.  Did it really matter if she had a few drinks now and then?

"Well?" she said sharply.

She was angry.  But she was nervous.  He could tell.

"I hate fighting with you.  It gives me a headache."

"Then why do you do it all the time?"

"Because I love you."

She thawed visibly.  More nervous now than angry, not so ramrod straight in her chair.  "I don't have a drinking problem.  I don't want to discuss this.  I never drink when I'm on duty.  What's the big deal?"

"Serenity...  there's more to it than just when you drink.  Have you ever had just one drink?  Ever?"

"Does it matter?"

"I think it does.  I'm not sure.  I just...  if you can't stop after one, maybe you shouldn't be drinking at all."

Sparks.  Her eyes flashed with silent anger, but she waited for him to go on.

He swallowed nervously.  This was hard; much harder than he had thought it would be.  Why couldn't she see how terrifying and destructive it was?  "I think what bothers me most is realizing how tightly wound you are.  You decompress so much when you drink, it's like...  a shadow version of your real self.  Like you save up all the wicked thoughts."

"Oh, come on, it's not that bad."  There was a touch of amusement in her voice.  "What's the point of being drunk if you're just going to be yourself, only uncoordinated?"

"Tell me the truth.  Can you stop after one drink?"

"I've never tried.  Who bothers to go out for one drink?"

"That's not an answer."

She surged to her feet, towering in the room, and began to pace back and forth.  "I don't get it.  I don't get the point of this.  I thought we were having fun."

"I was.  Until I realized I was out with a bunch of strangers.  The Serenity I know doesn't...  she doesn't do the things you did last night.  She doesn't act like that."

"Oh, be real."  Scorn, a little amusement again.  A naughty little girl, mocking, shone through her half-smile.  "What did I do that was so bad?"

"Besides kissing Liara?"  The words came out before he could stop them.  He hadn't meant to say it.

"I did not...  wait, yes I did.  So you're jealous?  Is that what this is about?"

He closed his eyes, counted his heartbeats.  "Why did I have to tell you that?  Why didn't you remember?"  A flare of anger, his own this time.  "Why did you do it while I was there?"  He stood up himself, walked away, his back to her.  "Of course I'm jealous.  I'm not made of stone."

"It – " she stopped herself from saying something that probably would have been harmful and stupid.  "I – " She tried to start her sentence again, but gave up.  With an angry growl she flung herself back down on the couch.  "This is just stupid.  I stopped kissing her when I saw the look on your face.  It didn't mean anything."

"Why did you kiss her in the first place?"

"Because I was drunk!  That's what drunk people do!  Stupid things they don't do in real life!"

"And not because you like her."  He turned around so he could meet her eyes.

"We're friends, Kaidan, nothing more.  I made a choice already.  The right one.  A few drinks isn't going to change that."  Her voice was softer now, more confident.

"Are you sure?"  He wasn't even sure what he was questioning at this point.

"Of course I'm sure."  Her voice was still a purr of confidence, but her eyes...  her eyes slid away.  Impatient, angry.

"Because you make an awful lot of choices when you're drunk that aren't the same as the ones that you make sober."

"Now what?"  Her irritation was evident in her voice, her eyes.

"Hitting unarmed civilians?  Smashing up construction projects?  Cow tipping?"

She burst out laughing.  "Oh come on!  You had fun with the cow tipping!"

He smiled.  "Ok, I did.  But not the rest of it.  Not the brawl."

She frowned at that.  "The Batarians deserved it.  They started the fight, not me."

"Does it matter what species they are?  They were unarmed civilians."

She gestured, angry, waved it aside.  "They didn't have the common sense not to pick a fight, they got what they deserved."

"You could have killed someone.  You would have killed someone if C-Sec hadn't shown up."

"I don't kill people in bar brawls."  Her voice was flat, emotionless.  He stared at her, unbelieving for a moment.

"You certainly looked like you were going to kill him."

"I was."  She met his eyes, and the feline slant of Serenity's green eyes struck him harder than they ever had before.  "But not because of the brawl."

"Serenity, you can't go around strangling people who piss you off."

"Yes, I can."

"There was no reason – "

"Yes, there was."  Green eyes locked with his, and he realized she was deliberately provoking him.

He thought for a second, struggling to remember.  "Sorry, it's a little fuzzy.  Was that Batarian the same one who knocked me flat?"

"Yes."  Her voice was still flat and emotionless.  Hiding something behind the words.

He considered.  "So...  you remember some guy knocking me out in middle of a bar fight, and tried to kill him for it.  But you don't remember making out with Liara until I mention it?  You have some really weird priorities."

"It makes sense to me."

"Look...  let's just try an experiment.  No drinking, none at all, either of us.  For a month.  We can do that, right?"

"Why?"

"Because....this whole thing is wrong, and I'm getting a migraine from this discussion.  Serenity, you shouldn't pile up so much anger.  We can work it out when it happens, instead of letting it all build up.  Let's just try it, okay?"

Wary, cautious green eyes.  "And then what?"

"And then, we'll see."  He put his hands to his head, the throbbing pain was distracting him.

"Uh...  okay.  Maybe you should lie down for a bit?  Should I call the doctor?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna lie down....  did you just agree to my plan?"  He pulled his medication out of the drawer and smiled as she handed him a glass of water.  She was worried.  All the anger had melted away.

"Yes.  It's not that big of a deal, really.  We can talk about it again in a month or whatever."  After all that, she just brushed it aside.  Agreed with him.  Maybe it really wasn't that important after all.

He smiled at her as he lay down.  "You know, this isn't how I wanted to win this argument."

She smiled back.  "Who cares?"


	3. {I just want you to be able to have some kind of normal life. We can never have that, don't you see?}

"Not going out tonight?"  Garrus stared quizzically at her.

"Nah, Kaidan and I have other plans."

"You know, you've gotten real boring all of a sudden."

She shrugged, a sly little grin adorning her face.  "Kaidan doesn't think so."

"Is this about that stupid fight?"

"I guess so.  Why?"

Garrus rolled his eyes.  "Figures.  You scared the hell out of him, so he's reforming you."

Serenity frowned.  "What are you talking about?"

"Hrm."  Garrus considered.  "It's nothing.  Have fun with Kaidan."

"Garrus."

"What?"  Garrus gazed at her.  Honest Turian eyes.

"What...  what exactly did I do anyway?"

Garrus leaned back in the couch.  Relaxed.  "I'm not surprised you don't remember.  It wasn't pleasant."

She sat down slowly across from him.  Eyes locked.  "Tell me.  The truth."

"There isn't really much.  It's just that there were other people who took a swing at Kaidan.  Only the Batarian got the shit beat out of him for it.  And you wouldn't stop.  We pulled you off him twice, trying to give him a chance to get away.  To be honest, I don't think it was the alcohol that did it."

Her eyes were no longer looking at Garrus, but through him.  At some distant point in the past.  "It probably didn't help any."

"Wanna talk about it?"

She shook her head.  Shook off the memories as well.

"Wanna come out for a drink?"

That brought her back all the way.  "No, seriously, he's got plans.  Good ones!"  She grinned.  "You'd be jealous."

Garrus raised a Turian eyebrow, moving his flanges in question.

"We're going out to dinner."

"Dinner?"  Garrus stared.  "Wait, dinner, or...  dinner?  Are you going to be wearing a dress?"

"An haute couture original from the House of Zaitsev.  Costs more than some colonies.  Bright red."

Garrus shook his head in mock disgust.  "Why don't these things ever happen to me?"

She laughed.  "Come on, I have to go pick up my jewels from the bank."

Arm in arm, they left the ship.  Friends.  Possibly a little more.  Garrus knew he didn't stand a chance against Kaidan, and Serenity respected him too much to pretend she didn't know what he was thinking.  They respected each other enough to know the limits.  Friends.


	4. {"I don't give a damn about a normal life.  I'm going crazy not seeing you.  I think about you every minute."}

He was standing at the entrance, wearing his dress uniform as she had requested.  He was handsome.  More than that.  The eyes of every woman in the restaurant stopped on him at least once.  Men always look good in uniforms.  Handsome men, more so.

He was adorably nervous.  Looked around.  Checked the time.  Heard a stir behind him, and turned.

For a second he forgot to breathe.

She smiled.  The world righted itself, and he walked up to offer her his arm.  "You look...  my god, Serenity...  you...."

She pulled him close, kissed him swiftly on the lips.  The string of pearls at her neck was warm from her skin, and when she pressed against him he could feel their warmth.  Small drops of gold-encrusted jade dangled from her ears, offsetting the elegant curves of her face.  For a moment, he wondered why she hadn't covered the scar over her eye, but he found it comforting and familiar.  He didn't ask.

It took him longer to process the dress.

As she had told Garrus, it was bright red.  The bold color suited her magnificently, and was covered with tiny gems and gold embroidery that sent the light dancing when she moved.  The sides revealed just the right amount of her amazing legs.  Black shoes, her toes peeking out, painted red to match her dress.  Over her gloves – black – she was wearing a collection of bangles, gold and jade, that jingled musically as she walked.

He had no idea what they had for dinner.  They sat at their table, making love to each other with their eyes and making an effort to eat.  He remembered that he had cleaned his plate and she had insisted that he had seconds of something, but he had no idea what he had eaten.  All he could remember was that Serenity was very, very beautiful.

He remembered dessert very clearly.  A chocolate cake, with a frosting that seemed to distill the very essence of chocolate, and strawberries on the side.  She had eaten all the strawberries, one by one, covering them in the frosting and then licking them clean before devouring them while he watched.  They had been talking about a book while they ate.  He couldn't remember the title or a single word of the discussion.  But he remembered tasting chocolate every time he kissed her for the rest of the night.

They danced together after dinner.  Slowly.  Grinding against each other to the heavy rhythm of human music in the dance hall attached to the restaurant.  Arms wrapped around each other, whispering empty words where every phrase translated to: "I want you.  I need you.  I love you."

At last, kissing her, tasting chocolate on her lips for what had to be the hundredth time, he knew he couldn't take it anymore.  The wildness of his kiss made her smile, and she led him from the dance floor to a hotel, instead of the ship.

The room was beautiful.  The bed was huge.  She lay down on it, her dress a bright streak against the pale sheets, and pulled him down on top of her.

The dress, beautiful as it was, wasn't meant to be handled in the same way as military issue clothing.  It ripped under his hands, making her laugh with wild joy as she pulled him closer.  She writhed under him, kissing every inch of exposed skin as she stripped him of his clothes.  She stopped to pull off her gloves.

"Leave the bracelets on."

She gave him her sweetest half-smile, and leaned back on her arms.  The metal rings struck each other, chiming softly with every movement.  He kissed her shoulders, her bare arms, her hands, her fingers.  Music seemed to spill from her, soft moans and metallic tones, the hush of skin on skin as she wrapped herself around him, panting with need.  She pulled his head back up to hers, kissed him as if the secrets of her soul were hiding somewhere on his lips.  He stripped off the last of his clothes, and she wrapped her incredible legs around his waist, locking her ankles together behind him.  He entered her easily.  She kissed him again and again, raining kisses all over his face and neck as they moved together.  Her bracelets chimed in sweet rhythm.  She arched again, begging him to enter deeper with incoherent cries and the motions of her body.  She buried her hands in his hair and held him tightly, and he knew she was close.  He let himself thrust harder and deeper, kissed her again and again, seeking the taste of chocolate on her lips.

She cried out his name over and over as she came, waves of orgasm washing over her in a passionate flood.  He came soon after she did, kissing her wildly and holding her tightly enough to leave a bruise on her shoulder.

She ran a hand down the side of his face, trailing her fingers through his sweat.  Her eyes never left his.  They lay together in silence, basking in warmth and sweat and love.  Eventually, she moved her legs, shifting herself to more easily hold his weight.

"Were we getting up?" he asked.

"Oh, hell no.  We're just getting started."


	5. Dialogue Interlude: Collector

"So, what are we doing here again?" asked Serenity, trying not to sound bored.

"We're looking for a limited edition Saren Arterius action figure.  Nice shirt!" Kaidan grinned at a Salarian in a 'Flynn's Arcade' t-shirt.

Serenity sighed.  The convention halls were packed with people in costumes and geeky t-shirts.  She had taken one look at the available t-shirts and decided to wear a costume instead.

"Wow.  That costume is amazing.  That is the best Battle Angel outfit I have ever seen.  Can I take a picture of your girlfriend?"

"Sure," Kaidan grinned.  He stepped away, and people ran up to take pictures of Serenity's anime armor.  "Do the wings!"

"How did I let you talk me into this?" she muttered, and activated the holographic wings, causing a mini-stampede as people ran up to get shots of her costume.

"I wasn't the one who insisted it had to be perfect," Kaidan pointed out.  "I was just encouraging."

"This wouldn't be so bad if I could walk three steps without someone wanting a picture."  Serenity glanced over at one of the vendor booths.  "Oh, what the hell is that?  Are those Shepard action figures?"

"Of course," Kaidan grinned.  "But I have all of those already."

"Ugh, my hair looks awful!"  Serenity poked one of the toys, showing her in battle with a Geth Armature.

"Shh!"  Kaidan glanced around.  "Unless you really want to get mobbed.  I think you look great."  Kaidan smiled at her.

"You always think that," Serenity blushed, and leaned over to give him a quick kiss.  Someone's camera went off, and she turned to glare at the intrusive photographer.  "A little privacy – "  Serenity made an odd noise, then grabbed Kaidan and ran through the crowd, using all of her unnatural skill and speed.  Oddly enough, no one seemed to notice.

"Serenity!  What are you doing!"  Kaidan tried to get her attention, but Serenity didn't stop until they were through the food court and in a completely different section of the convention.  "Serenity, what's -"

"Verner," Serenity snapped.  "That was Conrad Verner."

"Wait, that guy – the crazy stalker with the life-sized photo of you?"

"Yes!"

"Crap.  Do you think he recognized you?"

Serenity just looked at him.

"You're right, that was a stupid question.  What should we do?"

"I'm going back to the hotel to change."  Serenity laughed.  "And you thought I was being silly when I bought all those costumes!"

"The convention is only three days.  How many times are you going to change?"

"Well, now I have an excuse.  Where should I meet you?"

"Uh – " Kaidan checked his map.  "The auction hall."  He sent a map marker to her omni-tool.  "Just buzz me when you get close."  He kissed Serenity again, then continued kissing her for a few minutes before she broke away with a giddy laugh, and ran away.  Kaidan smiled, and walked back to the main hall.

"That guy insists it was Shepard," an Asari wearing a 'D20 causes cancer' t-shirt was saying.  "But I looked at my shots of the Battle Angel, and she doesn't look anything like Shepard."

"I always thought Shepard was a man," said a nearby Krogan.  He was dressed as a Sith Marauder, and had a stack of comic books under his arm.

Kaidan smiled to himself, and continued to the auction hall.  He stopped at a booth where someone was setting up a display of accessories for the 'Savior of the Citadel' line of action figures.  "Those are new," said Kaidan in shock.  "I don't have those!"

The vendor, a smarmy looking Salarian, smiled at him.  "Brand spanking new, right off the truck.  We didn't announce them because we thought they wouldn't be ready in time to be delivered for the con."

Kaidan checked his omni-tool, and sure enough, there was a brand new message from the collector's list announcing the latest release and their limited availability.  "I need one of each."

The vendor smiled.  "Each case is guaranteed to have a complete set, as well as one ultra-rare."

Kaidan gulped.  "How much is a case?"

The Salarian named a number that made Kaidan wince.  "I'll take it," he sighed.  He handed over the credits, and picked up the precious box.  He carried it to a nearby bench outside the hall, sat down, and called Serenity.

"I'm almost there, I keep getting stopped for pictures.  Again."

"Oh, I was going to tell you not to bother.  I'll start heading back to the hotel."

"What?  Did you get it already?"

"No," Kaidan sighed, "I spent all my money on something else."

Serenity was silent for a moment.  "I thought you really wanted the Saren figure."

"Yeah, but – I had to get something else."

"I know a quick way you can earn the cash to buy it."

"I'm not letting you give me the money, Serenity."

"I'm serious.  It involves punching someone in the face."

Kaidan blinked in surprise.  "Verner found you again?"

"Not yet, so if you come here and get rid of him for me, I'll buy your action figure.  Oh, wait, there you are!"  Ignoring the people trying to get a picture of her, Serenity ran up to Kaidan and threw her arms around him.  She was dressed as Sasuke now, complete with sharingan eyes.  "It is so lame that we can't bring weapons in here."

Kaidan gave her a soft kiss.  "You know, you dressing like that is really, really sexy."

"Like a ninja?"

"Like a guy."  He kissed her again.  "I know how weird that is.  Don't bother telling me."

"You collect action figures.  I didn't think you knew what 'weird' meant."  She looked curiously at the box.  "So, what did you get that took all your money?"

"They just released the accessory set for the 'Savior of the Citadel' line.  Geth weapons, Thorian vines, the Prothean beacon, and the Normandy!" said Kaidan excitedly.

Serenity stared at him.  "But you've already seen all that."

"Yes, and now I have the action figures."  Kaidan grinned.

"No, really, you have no idea what the word 'weird' means."  Serenity leaned back against him.  "I think I lost Conrad.  I hope I lost him.  Let's go check out this Saren figure.  I thought you already had one."

"I do, but this is an LE of him mid-morph, before he becomes Robo-Saren!"

"What?"  Serenity sighed.  "Why did I ask?" she muttered to herself as Kaidan began explaining about limited edition figures again.  "Let's just go.  Why are you sitting here anyway?" she asked as she picked up the box.

"Because the box is really heavy," Kaidan grinned.  "For normal people."

Serenity laughed and shifted the box so that she could kiss him again.

"Uh, like, that is a major costume fail," sneered an eerily familiar voice.  "Sasuke is not gay."

Kaidan pulled away and answered before Serenity could speak.  "What anime were you watching?  Sasuke is totally gay for Naruto."

"What?" gasped Conrad Verner.  "How can you even think that?  They were clearly rivals for Sakura!"

"Wrong end of the triangle," Kaidan insisted.  "Sakura and Sasuke were rivals for Naruto."

"You're just projecting your own sick desires onto the characters!" Conrad shouted.  "The canon 'ship is Naruto and Sakura!"

"Maybe if you took some time to actually pay attention to the lines, you'd see that Sasuke's inclinations are constantly hinted at!"

"WHAT?"

Serenity tried to hold back a laugh as Kaidan went off on his favorite Naruto high horse, citing episodes and Japanese history in defense of the secret Sasuke/Naruto relationship.

"Fag!" Conrad screamed, and ran off, practically in tears.

"Homophobic jackass!  Maybe you should stick with something like Kiki's Delivery Service!  No messages hidden in there!"  Kaidan shouted after him.  "I didn't actually punch him.  Does that still count?" he asked with a quiet grin.

Serenity handed over a credit chit.  "You made him cry.  That was worth every credit."


	6. {I know. But it's over. It has to be.}

"What does that mean?"

The man from the bank was professional, cold.  "Until we have confirmation from the Alliance Military of Commander Shepard's death, we will continue to administer her funds as she instructed while she was alive."

"You're telling me she actually wrote in a clause about disappearing?"

"Of course.  Commander Shepard was a highly responsible woman, and well aware of the risks inherent in the nature of her work."

"She fell through space.  Onto a planet."

"I am aware of that," the man said patiently.

"But you refuse to accept that she's dead."

"No remains were returned to her family and the Alliance Military has conceded that they do not have any further information of Commander Shepard's whereabouts after the crash of the Normandy."

"Because she's dead."

"When we get confirmation of that, we will proceed with dismantling her estate.  Until then, Lieutenant Alenko, we will do our fiduciary duties in accordance with her stated wishes."

Kaidan looked down at the datapad, closed his eyes.  "You don't ever get tired of protecting me, do you?"

"I beg your pardon?"

Kaidan shook his head.  "I didn't....  I wasn't talking to you."

"I understand.  I won't take up any more of your time, Lieutenant Alenko."


	7. Dialogue Interlude: Ten

Serenity woke up, and for a moment couldn't remember where she was.  It was still dark, and she wasn't really awake yet.  She poked the pillow, and it whooshed gently as the air was forced out from the foam.  "I'm at school."

She sat up and looked around.  Her room was a mess – the aftermath of a temper tantrum.  She sighed, and got out of bed and started picking up her things.  Toy guns, targets, practice swords, sparring gear – all the things a little girl would play with.  Well, provided the little girl was the child of a career soldier who wanted to be a soldier herself when she got older.

Serenity picked up her things and once she got everything put away, she pulled up her schedule to see if she had any homework that she hadn't done yet.

The terminal beeped immediately, and a warning about irregular sleeping habits popped up.  Serenity groaned.  "I don't sleep like normal people!  I'm not tired anymore.  I'm not going back to bed!" The terminal logged her protest, then noted her short temper of the day before and locked her out.

"Oh, come on!"

She threw herself back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.  She tossed her pillow into the air, and balanced it on her toes before throwing it across the room in boredom so that she would have an excuse to get out of bed and go get it again.  She did that a few more times before she got bored of it, then took out a target and practiced hitting it from various positions and different parts of the room.

She froze in mid-throw as someone opened the door.

"Shepard," said the dorm monitor wearily, "why are you awake?"

"Because I can't sleep." Serenity jumped down to the floor, from where she was dangling on the shelves.

The monitor sighed.  "Can't you read or do something quiet?"

"I was going to read but the terminal locked me out."

"Yes, because you're not sleeping enough....  and you can't sleep because you're not tired...  and you get cranky because we won't let you burn off enough energy, so you can't sleep." The monitor groaned and buried his face in his hands.  "Look, do you feel like running?"

"Sure!"

"Okay, put on your track suit, and I'll get one of the mechs to watch you while you run around the track."

"Cool!" The monitor left her alone so she could pull on her sweats, and she bounced out in her running gear.

He had pulled on a robe, and he walked her down to the indoor field.  "Here, run around and stuff." He set an alert and programmed the FRIA to monitor her, then sleepily wandered back to bed.

Serenity waved goodbye, then started the timer and took off.  As she warmed up, just running started to bore her, and she decided to pretend she was being chased.  By angry Krogans, who wanted revenge on her for killing their warlord!  She jumped, rolled, twisted, bounced off the walls, did handsprings, all without breaking her speed, running away from her imaginary pursuers.  She had just finished a circuit of her imaginary chase when the mech interrupted her.

"Student, your heartbeat is approaching an alarming rate.  Please slow down."

Serenity panted in agreement, and decided to walk for a round to loosen up.  But she was fully awake now, and she was halfway around the track when she decided she wasn't just walking, she was marching across Siberia, a proud revolutionary who had accepted internal exile rather than bow to the will of the tyrannical Tsar!  Marching away from home and family, into an icy prison where she would have to survive on her wits, fighting against the elements and the wicked prison guards.

"What are you singing?" asked the monitor.  He was sitting in one of the seats, watching her.

"The Internationale," said Serenity brightly.  "Did the FRIA wake you up?"

"Yes," he said glumly.  "Why is it every time I set the acceptable rate higher, you hit it?  Don't you ever stop?"

"Not yet!" She bounced up and jumped over the fence.  "Is the cafeteria open yet?  I'm hungry."

He checked the time.  "Yeah, you can go down and have breakfast."

"Okay, see you later!" Serenity jumped down again, and bounced over to the FRIA to let it know it could stop monitoring, then skipped down to the cafeteria.  She got herself some breakfast, and hid in a corner to eat her food.  There were no other students at this hour, only early morning staff.  She saw her dorm monitor's girlfriend walk by, talking on her communicator.

"Yeah, he had to get up early.  That fucking Frankenstein kid woke him up again."

Serenity knew the girl hadn't seen her, or she never would have used a bad word.  Serenity had heard that word before, but she'd never heard of Frankenstein.  Serenity finished her breakfast and went back to her room, thoughtful and quiet.  She showered and put on clean clothes, the pulled up her terminal and did some research.

She was quieter than usual in her first two classes, only speaking when called on.  She walked up to the public terminal at her first break, and did something she'd never done before.  She logged on as someone else.

It happened that she knew a monitor's login credentials.  She had overheard it, much the same way that she had overheard the comment this morning.  Information at the school terminals was always filtered for the user.  She did the same search that she had done this morning, to see how the results would be different.

"Serenity?  Are you okay?" Inoue, one of her friends from Home, walked up to her.  "What are you doing?"

"Learning," said Serenity sharply.  She shut down the terminal and walked away.

Inoue chased after her.  "Wait up.  You look mad," she said carefully.

"I am mad."

"Who are you mad at?"

Serenity wished Inoue would go away and leave her alone.  She wasn't even sure who she was mad at, and she wanted to think.  "I have to get to class."

At ten, Serenity Shepard was still much unformed in her personality.  She was impulsive in both her generosity and her anger.  She read a lot, and read whatever pleased her.  At the moment, she was in a phase of reading Dostoyevsky and Solzhenitsyn, and was consequently extremely disdainful of authority.  She also had an extremely vengeful nature, which she never fully acknowledged.

The idea came to her in her next class, and she excused herself to go to the bathroom.  She ran back down to the public terminals, and logged in as a monitor again, then began a different search.  She found what she needed, and sent off a few messages.  When she was done, she returned to class, and told the teacher she felt better now.

The last class of the day was Physical Education.  The official name was much longer, but no one called it that.  This class was taught by her dorm monitor.

Serenity walked into class, grinned wickedly at Inoue, and jumped up the small climbing wall.

"Okay, Shepard, we're not doing that today, please come down."

"You're an asshole."

"Excuse me?" he said in shock.

"You want me down from here, you come get me.  Asshole."

"Shepard, I don't know what brought this on, but your behavior is completely out of line."

"You're scared of me." Serenity smiled.  It was an odd feeling.  He was scared of her, she could tell.  She'd never noticed it before.  This was an entirely pointless fight, she told herself.  She'd already won, before it had even started.

He knew he couldn't let his authority be undermined in this way, and he walked over to the wall, to try and reason with her.

If he had known that Serenity was still angry from reading the conversations between him and his girlfriend regarding the cybernetically-enhanced, genetically modified crop of Spacer children at the school, he would never have come within arm's length of her.

Serenity grabbed him by the collar and stood up.  She wasn't tall enough to do this from the ground; that was why she had gone to the wall.  She had read once in a book, that the most humiliating thing you can do to a full-grown man is to give him a good shaking.  So she did.  She shook him until his teeth rattled.  "You're a coward," she observed calmly, and just stared at him.  She couldn't feel any respect for him, not when he was blubbering like this.  He tried to move his hands and break her grip.  "If you keep doing that, I might drop you," she warned.

"Put me down!" he yelled.  "Right now, Shepard!  I will have you expelled for this!"

She glared at him, then gave him another good shaking.  "By the time I put you down," she hissed, "there won't be a school left for you to expel me from."

"What?"

Serenity lowered him so his feet were barely touching the floor, then let go.  He stumbled, but picked himself up.

"What are you going on about?" he demanded.  Another teacher had run over at last, but before either of them could speak, both of their communicators beeped with urgent messages.

Serenity smiled.

Her monitor glared at her, then pulled up the message to see what was going on.  Both teachers were silent.

"You know what they say," said Serenity airily.  "Anything that goes on the extranet, stays there forever."

A school administrator came in, pretending she wasn't hurrying.  "Ah, students, class is cancelled for the day.  Could you all please return to your dormitories immediately?  Teachers, please escort your students back as quickly as you can, then gather in the administrative lounge." She put her hand on the monitor's arm.  "Could you come with me, please?  Martinez, could you please see to this class for me?" She escorted Serenity's monitor away, and Serenity jumped down with a satisfied smirk.

The students milled about for a second, wondering what was going on.  Then one or two got messages on their communicators, from their parents.

"Wow, my mom is pulling me out of school."

"Mine is too!"

Inoue and some of her other friends from Home came up to Serenity.  "Okay, Shepard, spill it.  What did you do?"

Serenity shrugged.  "I just forwarded some of the monitor conversations to some extranet parenting sites.  I figured our parents would enjoy knowing what the people in charge of their kids think about in their spare time."

"Uh…."

"They think about some really weird things," offered Serenity.

Inoue shook her head.  "You got the school shut down, Shepard.  I hope you're happy."

She grinned.  "I am." Her communicator beeped.  It was a message from her mother, telling her that a transport would be there that evening to take the six of them back Home, and that they could come back for the rest of their belongings later.  "We'd better go pack."


	8. {"Come back here! We're not finished! You don't care anymore, is that it?"}

Bright white lights.  A medical bay.  Pain.  Excruciating pain.

Voices speaking.

"Crew...  is crew..." She struggled to get out the words through the burning haze of pain.

"Most of the crew survived."  An unfamiliar voice.  "They were picked up within a few hours of the crash.  Some crewmen are still unaccounted for.  There's no official list yet."  A strange pause.  "Lieutenant Alenko survived unharmed."

"Kaidan...."

 

Bright sunlight.  A colony.  Pain.  Excruciating pain.

Watching him walk away.

No words this time.  She couldn't think through this pain, but she knew she needed to be silent.

Her hands checked her weapons.  Her armor.  She was painfully conscious of the half-healed scars on her face.  How awful she looked.  How different, wrong.  She wanted to close her eyes, but she needed to scan the area for hostiles.

Horizon.  Where the sun rises.  Where the sun sets.

She set her teeth, choking down a cry of pain and waited for him to leave her field of vision.

She could see by the set of his shoulders that he was waiting for her to say something else.  Anything.  She shook her head and turned away, checked her shields.  Picked up another thermal clip.

In a few minutes, that felt like an eternity of suffering, he was gone.

Serenity readied her weapons and moved forward.


	9. Dialogue Interlude: Whisper

He watched in silence, drinking in the sight of her on the battlefield.  She was more than a soldier, she was a goddess.  The same monsters that had swarmed the colony fell before her unerring shots, slaughtered before her relentless skill.  One group of husks almost swarmed her, but she drew them back into range of the biotic with her, and they started crumpling under a crippling wave of disruptive energy.  Most of her face was obscured by a combat helmet, but he could see half of her face, could see half-healed scars marring her profile.  He saw the smile, the slightly off-center smile that he had loved so much, and Serenity Shepard pulled out her shotgun, ripping the synthetic zombies to shreds with three perfectly placed blasts.

He heard the familiar laugh, the laugh that meant the fight was going well, saw her swiftly reloading her weapon and regrouping her team at the transmitter.  He almost moved, almost stood up to go to her.  She was alive, that was her, and he knew it.  If there was one thing Kaidan Alenko could say he knew, it was Serenity Shepard.  The shape could have been copied.  The face reproduced.  The voice imitated.  But not the speed; not the skill.  Not the smile.  That was Shepard.  But when he saw the uniform she was wearing – the logo – he wasn't sure of anything anymore.

Cerberus?  How could – Serenity, of all people – how could she be with Cerberus?  Laughing with Garrus.  Complimenting the biotic.  Leading, as she always did, drawing her team to her, gaining their trust with praise.  Not a prisoner.  Not in chains.  She was there, with Cerberus, of her own free will.  She had driven off the attack – but what interest did Cerberus have in the Collectors and the abducted colonies?  He didn't understand.  He couldn't figure it out.  He wasn't sure if he wanted to know.  If there was one person in the universe who could convince him to trust Cerberus, it would be Shepard.

He saw her ready her weapons again, and she grinned at the biotic.  He saw her eyes run over the woman's shapely form, and he flushed in anger.  What was it with Shepard and biotics, anyway?  He angrily wondered if she would ever have even noticed him if he had been the soldier, and Ashley the biotic.  He thought of the last two years, of all the pain that he had suffered believing that she was gone forever.  He knew it wasn't fair to be angry, but he couldn't hold back the burning sense of betrayal.  The sense that he had wasted all those emotions on someone who didn't even care what he had suffered.  On someone who could have betrayed everything that they had fought for.

What would she do when she saw him, he asked himself.  Would she ask him to join her?  She wouldn't.  He couldn't.

There was a noise, a horrible ungodly noise, and Kaidan shrank back as a larger lifeform, something that looked a giant insect stuffed full of husks, floated over to attack.  Angry as he was, he couldn't help being glad that it was Shepard fighting.  She dove for cover, leading the monstrous form away from her companions, letting them work together on its armor and barriers while she kept its attention.  There was a noise like a thousand tortured screams, and Shepard dodged out of the way just in time as it struck the ground with a blast that left him deafened for a moment.  He could see her shouting commands, drawing the monster away.  She realized that no one could hear her, and she threw out her arm, commanding everyone to get down.  He saw her draw a heavy weapon that he didn't recognize, but Garrus' eyes went wide, and the Turian tackled the Cerberus biotic, pulling her behind the shelter of some construction material.  That was enough for him, and he drew back into shelter as well.

There was a blinding explosion, his head rattled, and he wondered wildly if she had actually set off a nuclear bomb.  He counted to ten before trying to take a look again.  Shepard had her sniper rifle out, the monster trapped by its own giant size, and it had to slowly turn around to reach her instead of charging in a straight line.  While it moved, a normal soldier would have time for two clean shots.  But Serenity Shepard wasn't a normal soldier.  She moved so fast at times like this, he could barely see her.  But he could see the monster react, jerking back as the shells ripped past its armor.  Six times.  She shot it six times, then suddenly turned and ran, jumping behind a stack of crates for cover.

With a scream that he felt rather than heard, a scream that made his teeth rattle, the monster convulsed, then collapsed to the ground.  It tipped over as it fell, and landed on its back, its horrible insectoid legs twitching like something out of a nightmare.  Then it exploded in a ball of chitinous shrapnel and metallic gore, and the blast knocked him back into the wall, and he fell to the floor with a cry of pain.  He saw her turn sharply, her eyes, wide and unbelieving, but hopeful, scanning the area, and just before he lost consciousness, he saw her lips move, whispering a question.  A name.  His name.


	10. {It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I feel.}

She enjoyed telling off her new boss.  It was the first bit of release she'd had for a long time.  She went up to her cabin afterwards.  Tired, thirsty.  The small refreshment center in her cabin had only juice and high-carb snacks.

EDI chimed politely.  "Garrus is outside, Shepard."

She smiled and went to the door.  "Come on in!"

He was carrying two bottles, handed her one.  "I thought you might need a drink."

She nodded gratefully.  "You have no idea how stressed I am right now."  She opened the bottle, gestured Garrus to the couch before dropping into a chair herself.  Sprawled out, untidy, like a discarded doll.  She took a swig.

A kind of peace burned through her at the first touch.  Absolution, weak as it was.  A soft wicked voice telling her that it wasn't her fault after all.

Garrus settled himself, took a swig from his bottle.  "Talk?"

She shook her head.  "Not worth the effort."

"So it's all over then?"

She shrugged.  "Gotta save the universe."  She took another drink, and another.  "Don't have time to chase after a half-assed relationship that failed 'cause I was dead."

Words between them were wasted sometimes.  He didn't look at her, but around the room.  Casually.  Not obviously checking for bugs.  "Too bad, really.  I could actually stand him.  He was bearable."

They were too close, sometimes.  She could almost hear him, behind the cruel words, promising to help her find him if they all survived.  "The worst part is all the men on this ship suck compared to him."

"What about whats-his-face.  Jacob?"

She threw back her head and laughed.  "No.  Just...  no.  Besides, isn't he Miranda's?"

"Really?  Hadn't noticed.  Besides, I thought Miranda liked you."

"Oh, Garrus, you need to spend more time studying humans."  She shook her head in disbelief.  "No, she's not like that."  Serenity stared wonderingly at the bottle.  It was almost empty, and she didn't remember finishing it.

Garrus grinned.  "I can think of worse things to study.  Besides...."  He finished his bottle and stood up.

Serenity looked curiously up at him, waiting.

"Not just humans on the ship, you know."

"Good night, Garrus."

His grin, wrecked by the scars, was still familiar and safe.  She watched him leave.

She leaned back in her chair, put her feet up on the table.  Being dead seriously complicated life.

She knew one thing: She couldn't let anyone use Kaidan as bait ever again.  She closed her eyes, glad for the excuse of drunkenness to hide her thoughts.  She had to keep him away, to protect him.  It was the only way.

She drained the bottle, left it on the table.

After that, she found more bottles in her refreshment center.  She was amused to note that they were even thoughtful enough to place a few that were clearly labeled "DextroDNA."


	11. {"Then tell me you don't love me. Say it!"}

Her face, beautiful and unfamiliar, all the scars gone.  Rebuilt.  Dominating the room with her presence in a way she never had before.  Purposeful.  Alluring.  She didn't look for anyone when she entered.  She chatted up a man at the entrance, left him waiting.  She ordered a drink, her curves evident as she leaned against the bar, even beneath the simple outfit she was wearing.  It took him a moment to realize she was posing.

She finished her drink, stalked through the dance floor.  Ignored some people, visibly amused by others.  Stopped by an attractive Asari.  Danced near the Asari.  Powerful, graceful.  She was definitely showing off.  When the song ended, she walked off, leaving the Asari staring after her hungrily.

She walked through the club.  A man stopped her, his eyes desperate and pleading.  Her mask slipped a little as she listened.  She nodded, glanced around.  Stunned, he watched her walk up to the table where his target was talking to a woman.  A short conversation that he couldn't hear, and the woman at the table got up and walked away.  He watched Serenity casually leave as well.  The team immediately started reassessing the plan.  He tuned them out, kept his eyes on Serenity.

She walked back to the bar, joked with the bartender.  Had another drink.  Then somehow talked the bartender into giving a free round to everyone in the bar.  She smiled enigmatically over her glass, and started to walk away.

He hadn't seen the Asari, and he had no idea how he had missed her.  She was tall for an Asari, strongly and elegantly built.  This was obviously what Serenity had been waiting for.  The Asari placed herself just within Serenity's field of vision, and waited.  Serenity finished her drink, approached the beautiful Asari.  They walked together to the private booths, Serenity trailing behind.  They sat down, almost directly beneath him.  He could hear almost every word of their conversation.

He heard her casually suggest Hallex to the Asari.  Talking about a horrible band that depended on sensory overload and addiction.  About the vile sculptures of the mentally diseased Forta.  Was this really Serenity?  But then, he'd never heard an Asari talk like this either.  Morinth, she said her name was.  Morinth seemed to be hanging on Serenity's every word.  At one point, Morinth moved as if to leave, seeking to recover her self-control after Serenity had dropped a particularly sexual double entendre.  Serenity leaned forward, put her long legs on the other side, blocking Morinth's exit.  Morinth stared at her legs as she wanted to devour them.  Morinth smiled at Serenity, slid a hand into the baggy pants.  Caressing Serenity's legs openly.

He groaned silently at the sight.

"We're alike, you and I.  We want the same things."  Had Serenity's voice always been so dark?  And why didn't this make her less beautiful to him?  Why did he still want her as much as he ever had before?

Morinth suggested leaving the bar, returning to her apartment.  He hated the smile Serenity gave her in return.  Hated the dark purr in her voice as she pointed out that Morinth would have to take her hands out before she could stand up.  Morinth laughed, dark and joyous.  Pulled her hands away.  Licked sweat from her fingers while Serenity drank in the sight.  They stood, Morinth wrapped her arm around Serenity's waist.  Serenity drew Morinth to her, pressed their lips together.

A soft whisper that no one else should have been able to hear.  "Just giving everyone a glimpse of what they're not good enough to get."

Their bodies seemed to melt together for a moment.  Black leather against rough denim.  Soft blue curves against her lithe muscles.  Serenity pulled away first, a confident smirk on her face.  Morinth...  he'd never seen anyone with eyes so dangerous before.  Wild.  Evil.  Her hunger for Serenity went beyond mere sexual desire.  But Serenity couldn't see that in her eyes as Morinth led her out of the club.

He demanded information on the Asari with evil eyes, and ran through the ducts to try and catch them before they got away.

"There is a possibility that the Asari might be a serial killer.  We've been requested to stay away from her."  He heard the command, but couldn't obey it.  Forced them to give him the location.  Raced through the alleyways of Omega, up the side of an adjoining building so he could see her again.

He was in time to see Serenity pick up the bottle of Hallex.

"Are you sure you don't want your mind clear for this?  I know I do."  Morinth's voice, dark, sweet, inviting.  "Come sit by me."

Serenity smiled, walked forward.  Leaned over, physically invading Morinth's space, her arm on the couch, her body invitingly poised over Morinth.  The Asari reached up slowly, with an amazed smile, pulled Serenity to her.  They kissed again, Serenity leaning in, possessive and demanding.  Morinth wrapped her arms around Serenity, softly whispering dark things.  Serenity growled something that made Morinth toss her head back in passion, her face turned away.  Serenity buried her face in the Asari's neck, whispering words that he couldn't make out.  Morinth's face changed, gasping with passion as Serenity's hand slid down her body, caressing.  Morinth's face flushed, her eyes darkened.  Morinth shook herself and with a visible effort regained her self-control.

In mockery of Morinth's earlier act, Serenity raised her hand to her lips and licked her fingers clean.  Morinth stared at her, almost mesmerized.

"You are the most amazing creature," Morinth hissed.  "If only..." she paused, drew Serenity into another fiery kiss.  "I want you."  She stared into Serenity's smoldering green eyes.  Shifted her body, moved so she was over Serenity.  "Tell me you want me.  Tell me that you would do anything for me.  Tell me you would kill for me."  Her eyes were glassy black, burning orbs.

He couldn't see Serenity's face from his vantage point.  A chill burned through his soul.  Would he be able to reach her in time?

  

  1. "What?  Oh no...  you..."   Serenity's mocking laugh as she pulled away from Morinth rippled across the room and through the half-open window.
  



The door burst open, and another Asari, this one in red battle armor, burst into the room.  Serenity flung herself to the floor as bolts of biotic energy ripped across the room.  Morinth was plastered against the window, shrieking in fury.  Morinth flung a blast of her own, almost forcing the newcomer to the floor.  The two Asari tore the room apart in their rage, throwing each other back and forth.  Serenity hovered on the edge of the battle, waiting for the right moment.  As Morinth gathered herself for another devastating attack, Serenity tackled her, pulling Morinth's arms behind her and leaving her completely exposed.  Morinth was knocked flat, and Serenity thrown aside.  Serenity picked herself up, the strange Asari walked forward, put an end to Morinth forever.

In shock, he realized the Asari in red armor had almost the same face as Morinth.  They could have been sisters.  Probably were.  The Asari in red stared sadly down at Morinth's body.

It had been a trap, he realized.  Serenity had laid herself out to capture Morinth.  He sighed in relief.  Such a very convincing act.  He shook his head at his own lack of faith, he should have known that Serenity would never fall so far.  He drank in the sight of Serenity's face, restored to her normal resolute sweetness.  Watched her as she moved.  She was talking to the Asari, comforting her.

He felt himself freeze as Serenity moved closer, one gentle hand touching the Asari's shoulder.  Serenity's eyes were warm, hoping, desperate.  The Asari was too wracked with internal grief to resist, and it wasn't until Serenity's hand had gently stroked her cheek that the Asari pushed her away.  "Please, Shepard.  You have been...  a good friend to me.  Let us go now."

"Anything you need, Samara."

It was an indescribable pain to see the hunger in Serenity's eyes as she watched the Asari – Samara – leave the room.  Without a single glance at Morinth's body, Serenity followed.

He buried his head in his hands, awash in futile rage and almost insane jealousy.  He waited until she had left the room before reporting that Morinth had been killed by the Asari in red armor.  He stood up, holstered his weapon.  Wondered if he should have just taken the shot when he had the chance.  Wondered who he would have been aiming at if he had.


	12. {Is that what you want to hear? Will that help? I don't. I don't, now let me go.}

"You know what we should do, Shepard?" chirped Tali.

Serenity took the bottle from Jack and finished it off.  She tossed it into the air over her head, and Jack sent it flying into the trash compactor.  Garrus and Zaeed were playing with the surveillance system.  "What should we do, Tali'Zorah?  What should we do?" said Serenity in a strange little sing-song voice.

"We should go steal a car."

"I like her," slurred Jack.

Tali laughed.  "You always say that!"

"Nah, only when you suggest things like shooting Miranda into space."

Serenity laughed.  "I liked the part where she wanted to keep Jacob for research purposes."

"Let's go steal a car, Shepard.  It'll be fun!"  Tali clapped her hands.

"But wait!" Serenity raised a hand in mocking concern.  "Won't Citadel Security stop us?"

There was a shocked pause, then everyone broke into laughter.

"So, are you kids going out or what?" asked Zaeed.

"Seriously, stop talking like you're an old man," laughed Garrus.  "I think we're still planning.  Are we still planning, Tali?"

"Well, if you're going," Zaeed gestured at the surveillance camera, "you'd better get moving."

Jack leaned over to focus on the tiny picture.  "Oh shit!  The cheerleader's after us!"

"Shuttle.  Now."

Jack, Tali, and Garrus followed Serenity down to the shuttle level.  With a chuckle Zaeed settled himself back against the wall with a half-finished bottle of scotch and waited for the firestorm.

"She is going to be pissed," murmured Garrus as the shuttle pulled away from the Normandy.

"What did you do?" Serenity rummaged around in the shuttle's storage.  "Who drank all the scotch?"

"Zaeed.  And I didn't do anything."  Garrus stared pointedly at Tali.

"What."

"What did you do to Miranda?  What the hell is this?  Ouzo?  What is that?"

"Don't drink it, it's horrible," Jack took the bottle from Serenity, tossed it back into storage.  "Just keep it for cleaning up spills.  Tali did something with Miranda's shower.  I don't know what."

"What?  That?  She can't be mad about that."  Tali bent her head over her omni-tool and made little laughing noises.

"She looked mad," Garrus observed.

"It was a life size projection of Jacob, who wouldn't appreciate it?"

Serenity and Jack burst out laughing.

"Was it Jacob naked?"

Tali looked at Garrus as if he was mentally deficient.  "Of course!  Why would you want Jacob with clothes on in your shower?"

"How did you...  I don't want to know anymore."

Serenity grinned.  "Tali?  Remember when we first met?  And you were telling me how everyone views Quarians as thieves and hackers and how unjust and wrong that was?"

Tali giggled.  "It is unjust!  Like Garrus assuming I'll sleep with him just because we're the only people on the ship with the same DNA twist."

Garrus shook his head.  "That's not why I assume you'll sleep with me.  I assume it because I keep finding you in my bed, using my omni-tool to hack into the Citadel computer system."

"Data not available."  Tali bent over her omni-tool again, giggling quietly.

They stole a car.  Set off alarms.  Crashed and ran.  Laughed, wicked like children.  Irresponsible, because they were responsible.  Responsible for everything, everyone.

Breathless from running and laughing, they poured into the Dark Star.  "Hey, Mr. Bartender," Jack sang off-key.  "You don't look happy to see us!"

The bartender grimly polished the bar.  "I wondered where all the C-Sec officers went."

The four assumed their most innocent expressions.  "What makes you think we had anything to do with C-Sec?"  Serenity made the mistake of looking directly at Jack, and broke into wild laughter.  They gave up.  Serenity leaned over the bar and helped herself to two bottles; Garrus did the same on the other side.  They retreated to one of the semi-private rooms where they could see the door.  Tali lifted an access panel, and with Garrus' help, tapped in to the Citadel system.

"Not that again.  Tali, you're going to bring a Spectre down on us or something."

"Oh, very funny."  Tali looked up at Serenity.  "Why haven't you started a bar fight yet?  Or something, I don't know, physical?"

Serenity grinned.  "This place is totally dead tonight, not my fault."  She finished her bottle, helped herself to a shot from Jack's.

Jack made a half-hearted attempt to defend her bottle.  "Fuck you, you're a damn lush.  Go get your own drink!"

"I'm just trying to save you from ending up in my lap, like last time."

"You know, that gives me an idea."  Garrus stood up and walked over to the bartender.  "Hey."

The bartender tried to glare at him, but failed.  "What?"

"You like Humans, admit it.  Want to see them lose three thousand years of civilization in three minutes?"

"What?"

Garrus opened the controls, cut the standard Asari music and uploaded a custom playlist he had made around two years ago.

"Hey!  Don't do... what is that?"  The beat was heavy, completely alien to his ears after so long with the droning Asari traditional music.  It pulsed, throbbed, shook the floor.  Every Human in the bar seemed to wake up when the new playlist started.

Jack roared with approval, and pulled Serenity onto the dance floor after her.  Once they started dancing, more humans joined them.  The music seemed to call them.  It was primitive, tribal.  In a few minutes, almost every human in the bar was on the dance floor, and the temperature in the Dark Star seemed to have gone up by a few degrees.

The bartender tilted his head as he took in the sight of two human women holding each other and grinding away on the dance floor.  "Ok, what...  what is that?"

Garrus grinned and poured himself a drink.  "Certain rhythms apparently do that to humans.  It reminds them of their heartbeat or something.  I get distracted if I try to think about it too hard."

The Turians watched as more humans appeared on the dance floor, seemingly out of nowhere.  They wrapped themselves around each other, forming a sort of line with Jack in the center, all grinding in rhythm with the music, moving in perfect sync with each other.

"I didn't know human spines could bend like that.  Wait, do they even know each other?"  Some of the humans were now trading bodily fluids from mouth to mouth, sending kisses up and down the line of dancers.

Garrus shrugged, pretended not to recognize the crew of the Normandy 2 in their civilian garb.  "Doubt it."


	13. {"No. A person doesn't just wake up and stop loving somebody. Love is forever."}

Serenity peeled herself away from the crowd, leaned against the wall, panting.  Flushed, sweaty from dancing.  Drunk.  A hand on her arm.  "I don't feel like dancing," she snapped and turned and stared.

In the background, the music throbbed wildly.  The lights flickered.  People laughed, shouted, cheered.  Touched.

And here, in the dim light of the Dark Star, all Serenity knew was that she was breathing the same air as Kaidan.  His dark, handsome face was still.  His eyes met hers, held them, questioning.  For one second, the thought that she should leave dominated.  It would be so much easier to run, to take the pain she already knew than to risk everything....

Instead, she found herself whispering the words she should have said on Horizon.  "Kaidan....  my love...."

He crushed her to him, claiming her with savage, hungry kisses.  "Serenity."  A whisper, more kisses, "Serenity," he whispered again.

She flung her arms around him, meeting his savagery with her own, his hunger with her own burning need.

He groaned her name again, between a rain of kisses.  They paused briefly, panting for breath, clinging to each other as if they were drowning.  "Over here," he took her hand and led her to the entrance of a nearby maintenance shaft.

They climbed up to the catwalks, raced past a Keeper to one of the maintenance rooms.  Kaidan locked the door, turned to her.  She could sense he was about to ask her a question.  She pulled his face down to hers, quieting him with ferocious kisses.  "No questions.  No talking.  Just love me, Kaidan.  Please."

"You don't have to ask me twice."  They were both wearing civilian clothes, tore them away.

She buried her face in his broad chest, drew her hands across the muscular planes of his back.  "Kaidan."  So familiar to her, so warm, so perfect.

He ran his hands over her body.  Muscles, curves, a surprising softness here and there.  He lifted her up to him, kissing her again and again.  She let him settle her on his hips while he stood, wrapped her lithe legs around him.  He balanced himself on the wall with one hand, holding her with the other.  She reached down, guided him inside her, eager and welcoming.

He groaned softly.  "It's been so long."

She smiled at that.  "Too long," she agreed.  With a soft cry, they began to move together.  So much hunger.  So much need.

With a growl, he moved forward, pressing her back to the wall so he could have both hands on her.  Touched her everywhere.  Her face, her hips, her breasts.  Ran his hands along her legs, held her still so he could thrust into her as far as he could.  Touched her hair, watched static make it fly away towards the wall, kissed her ears, her eyes, the beautiful curve of her lips.  Buried his face in her neck.  Whispered the words he hadn't meant to say.  "Serenity...  no one...  there's no one but you..."

"Oh, Kaidan...."

It was the sound of his name on her lips that drove him over the edge.  No one said it the way she did.  Another wild growl.  He held her close as she followed him over the edge, tightening the grip of her thighs around him almost painfully.  She writhed in his arms, her hands wrapped in his hair, possessive as always, her head thrown back in ecstasy, choking back screams.

He sank to his knees with her still wrapped around him.  Stared at her beautiful face, speechless.

She watched his face for a moment, then kissed him again before settling her head on his shoulder with a satisfied sigh.

The obnoxious commlink tone shattered their silence.

"You know, I really want to be surprised by that, but I just can't," said Serenity wryly.

He laughed, a bitter memory tingeing his amusement.  "Is that me or you?"

The commlink tone sounded again.

She shrugged, reluctantly untangled herself from him, walked over to where their clothes lay intermingled.  Saw the flash from his jacket where it lay.  "It's you."

She picked up her clothes, turned away.  Acutely aware that it wasn't her place to eavesdrop on official Alliance missives.  An uncomfortable feeling.

"Don't leave."  He picked up his jacket, took a few steps away.  "Commander Alenko here.  Go ahead."  Closed his eyes.  Listened.  Began to put on his clothes.  "I'm on my way.  Alenko out."

She was sitting on the floor, dressed, pulling on her socks and shoes by the time he turned back to her.  She felt his eyes on her.  Drew her knees up to her chest, folded her arms around herself, regarded him curiously with her head on her knees.

"Serenity – "

"You should probably go."

He nodded, turned, his joy of a few moments ago swamped by a sense of dark defeat.  A deep, painful breath.  With a wild cry, he turned back to her.  Threw himself on his knees before her.  Grabbed her hands, covered them with kisses.  Saw the shock in her eyes.  At last, he pulled himself away and with one last shuddering breath in her presence, opened the door and made his way back through the shaft to the main floor.

Behind him, Serenity slowly raised her hands to her face, disbelieving.  His tears glistened on her hands.  His kisses still burning her skin.  Her wrists bruised from his mad, passionate act of devotion.

"Kaidan."  She buried her face in her hands.  "Kaidan."

She waited, giving him time to get away from her.  Walked out slowly, snuck into the bathroom and cleaned herself off as best she could.  Walked back into the world, hoped she didn't look as empty as she felt.

"There you are!"  Tali took one look at Serenity's face, and threw her arms around her.  "Um..."

Serenity let herself be wrapped in the friendly embrace, buried her face in Tali's shoulder.  She wouldn't let herself cry.

"I thought you'd be a little happier...." said Tali lamely.  "I'm sorry."

"No!" Serenity gasped.  "I am happy!  It's just...  it doesn't last.  It can't, not now, not like this.  But, yes, yes, I am happy.  Thank you!  Thank you so much..."  Her shoulders shook.  The world seemed to echo crazily around her for a moment, reminding her of all the people she had who really, truly loved her and cared for her.  What had she ever done to deserve such friends?  Such love?

"Well, you're welcome....  I think.  And you should probably save a few thanks for Garrus, too....  You know, your heart is going like a bad drive core.  Come and sit down, before I accidentally try to rig up a new power junction to get it back online."

Serenity laughed a little, sat down with Tali at their table.  All evidence of Tali's access to the Citadel system was gone.

"Oh, come here, you silly...."  Tali pulled her into a hug again.  "Smile!  Tell me you enjoyed yourself!"

"Oh, Tali...  it was too wonderful for words."

"Then why do you look so miserable?"

"Because humans are very, very stupid sometimes."

"Sometimes?  I'm amazed your species can successfully reproduce.  Your mating rituals are incomprehensible."

Serenity laughed again.  Almost a real laugh this time.  She was starting to thaw out.

"Well, it will be a while before I can try again.  But if everything is still such a mess, you know I'll happily risk the wrath of Citadel Security for you."

"Thank you."


	14. {"If I can't be with you--"}

He replayed the message one more time.

Tali's sweet voice, after all the encryption had been removed.  "Alenko, I know you're somewhere in the Citadel.  If you come down to the Dark Star in the next ten minutes, I can guarantee that no one will be watching you for an hour.  After that, there will be eyes and ears everywhere, just like always, and everyone goes back to acting their parts."

Act your part, he told himself.  He only had a few minutes left.

He deleted the message, started back to the Presidium.  Pretended not to see the pair from Cerberus walking past him towards the Dark Star.  Tried to concentrate on the message from Command.

"Cerberus personnel in civilian garb all over the Citadel.  They seem to be celebrating something.  Any idea what it could be?"


	15. {"I'm so sorry."}

"Shepard.  This is an unexpected call, but appreciated."  The man, still a stranger after all this time, took a deep drag on his cigarette.  "Certainly more appreciated than Miranda's late night drunken calls complaining about you and your 'merry little pirate band.'"

Serenity grinned, then sheepishly straightened herself out.  "I called to apologize.  And to thank you."

"For stealing the ship?  No, that was...  expected.  Ineffective in the end, but the gesture was not a surprise."

Serenity nodded.  It was rather embarrassing to realize how well she had played into his hands.

"I'm not certain what you are thanking me for, however."

Serenity swallowed nervously.  "For not abandoning the crew."

"Ah."  He took another drag, tapped ashes into the ashtray next to him.  "Did you really think that I would?"

"Honestly?  No, I didn't.  But I still shouldn't have taken such a petulant tone with you, and endangered the livelihood of the men and women under my command.  Thank you for not taking advantage of my stupidity."

The stranger smiled, genuine human amusement.  "You know, Shepard, I've always wondered...  if we had recruited you before Kahoku did, would it have worked out better for us?"

Serenity considered, shook her head.  "No, I don't think so.  I would have felt horribly betrayed when I learned about the other cells and what they did.  It's easier to work with you this way, knowing the worst and the best, and seeing them both firsthand.  I can...  I can excuse the excessive zeal of Cerberus now that I know what I know.  I don't like it, but I can find a way to live with it."

He nodded, put out his cigarette.  "I appreciate your honesty and your loyalty, Shepard.  I know what that cost you to say."  He looked over at the pack of cigarettes thoughtfully.  "Well, if we're trading peace offerings, Shepard, I might have something that you would appreciate.  It's rather frivolous, but," he chuckled, "one of our Citadel operatives has an empty table at Fiorino's.  Why don't you go out to dinner, Shepard?  On me."

Serenity raised an eyebrow.  "Dinner?"

"Your clothes will enjoy the outing, if nothing else.  I'll have them change the reservation to your name.  Shepard, party of one?"

Serenity tried not to look as happy as she felt.  It was frivolous, but the food at Fiorino's was amazing!  And she could dress up in the clothes she had found stashed in her cabin.  "Thank you, I...  I'll let you know how the food is."

"Please do."  He watched her leave with a knowing smile.  It was going to be interesting to watch this unfold.  He needed Shepard, he needed her whole.  She would realize he was doing what was best for her, in the end.  He forwarded the reservation information to her console, and then began making a few more calls in preparation.

Serenity ran into her cabin, opened the closet all the way.  There, behind the drab and utilitarian uniforms, were the clothes.  The latest in the most insane and expensive fashions from the best Human designers.  There was a bright green Cora Miyake tunic-dress in the same shade as her eyes.  A bright red Leland Cortese sheath dress.  A strapless black Chung Mikaelovich evening gown.  And the shoes!  Serenity giggled, tried to stop herself, failed, laughed out loud.  She pulled out a few dresses, held them up and checked herself critically in the mirrors that appeared when the closet was fully opened.  After an hour, she settled on a classic little Agnes Chanel black dress, with black K.  Cole pumps.  A classic ensemble, that made her look ageless.  She packed everything into a changing bag, so that she wouldn't cause too much comment on the Normandy, and left for the Citadel.

She changed in Bailey's office before heading to the Restaurant district.  She laughed at the look on Bailey's face when he saw her "all dolled up."

The heels added elegance to her walk without taking away any of her natural confidence.  She ignored the admiring glances, savored the knowing jealousy of the diplomatic wives who knew how expensive her dress was.  It was a silly game, but fun nevertheless.  The only thing that made her sad was that her personal jewelry was still in storage; these borrowed pearls hadn't been worn recently and they felt cold and dry.  Pearls thrive on the touch of human skin, like lovers.  They were very nice pearls though, a tasteful cream color and all perfectly round, with a really lovely coral clasp.  She wondered if the Illusive Man would let her keep them.  Either way, she resolved to sleep with them on tonight to help them regain their tone.

"Your name, ma'am?"  The maître d'hôtel didn't bother to ask if she had a reservation.

"Shepard, party of one."

"Right this way, ma'am."  As the maître d'hôtel bowed and gestured for her to follow, someone stepped into her view, his face unbelieving and his eyes confused, but warm and familiar as they always were.

"Serenity?"

She stopped, stared at him, drinking in the sight.  "Kaidan!"  She ran forward, threw her arms around him in a hug before he could protest.  "Kaidan!  What are you doing here?"

"I was just delivering a message to an Admiral," he pulled away, stared at her.  "Wow."

Serenity laughed.  "Are you free?  I have room at my table."

With an effort, he tore his eyes away from her incredible legs underneath the tiny simple dress that did everything it could to accentuate her amazing curves.  "Actually, I am free now...  if you really want me to join you."  The question was foolish, and he knew it, but he had to ask.  It was only fair to give her a chance to leave if she wanted to.

Serenity laughed again, happy as a child, and refused to question this coincidence.  "Come on, before the chef comes out to yell at me for blocking traffic."  She took his hand and he trailed behind her to the table.  They sat down, looked out at the stars, then at each other.

He smiled, and her heart did somersaults.  He wanted to ask.  He wanted to know if the reports were really true, that the Normandy had really gone through the Omega-4 relay and returned.  She didn't look any different.  She laughed, ordered dinner, ogled the dessert menu.  He was a little slow to catch her mood, but then he had always been more serious and restrained so it didn't seem to bother her.  She looked better than she had at Horizon, and less disturbed than she had at their stolen meeting a few weeks ago.  That would have been right after returning from the relay, he realized.  He already knew it was true.  Just by watching her, he knew that whatever intel the Alliance had on her mission had fallen short of what she had really done.  Serenity Shepard had saved the galaxy, again.

She smiled at him, chatted brilliantly and sparkled, and he drank in the sight.

"I love seeing you like this.  Happy."  He studied her, memorizing anew the lines of her arms, the curves of her body, the green of her eyes.  Everything about her.  He wanted to remember it all, hold it in his heart forever.

"Stop being so serious, Kaidan.  Try the calamari."  She nibbled, basked in his adoration, talked nonsense about clothes and shoes.

There is nothing more wonderful than spending time with the one you love.

"Walk with me for a bit," she invited as she downed the last of the lemon gelato.  Her shy smile was impossible to refuse, and he took her hand, walked with her down to the Presidium elevator.  "Wait here for a second, I want to change out of these clothes."

He laughed.  "The heels are killing you, aren't they?"  She smiled in reply.  Watched her walk into the public changing room and waited for her to come back.

She walked out wearing the colonist outfit that he was secretly beginning to love on her.  Comfortable and yet immodest, trademarks of humanity.  She smiled at him, no longer towering and imperious.

"You're still wearing the pearls."

She flushed.  "They need the attention."  She glanced at him from beneath her lashes, and smiled.

He smiled back at her, laughing a little.  Such odd, little things she did sometimes.  He learned something new about her every time he saw her.

The elevator opened, and Serenity moved before she knew what she was doing, shoving Kaidan out of the way and into cover.  The criminals roared in fury.

"Out of the way, filthy human!"  They sprayed bullets over her head, their aim spoiled by her speed.  Serenity almost ripped the first raider's arm from its socket while disarming him.  His arm, broken in two places, lay awkwardly at his side, still clutching his weapon.  He screamed in agony as she hit him again, dropped to the floor.  She silenced him with a stunning kick to the head.  The second one moved out of her way, tried to get to cover.  Kaidan hit him with a field that froze him in place.  Serenity hit him with a punch that shattered the bones over his upper eyes with a sickening noise, and the Batarian fell weakly to the ground.  Lay still.

The last one vaulted over the wall where Kaidan was sheltering, reached for him, seeking a hostage.

"Wait – don't – "  He wasn't sure who he was trying to warn.

Serenity tackled the Batarian, and he caved under her charge, slipped.  Fell backwards.

"No!"  Stared helplessly as they went over the side, then ran to a service walkway, seeking a way down.

Kaidan ran past a Keeper, found them clinging to a catwalk, still fighting.  Or at least Serenity was fighting.  Well, pummeling.  The Batarian was trying to climb to some kind of cover with one arm showing splintered yellow bones through an ugly wound in his arm.  Serenity sent blows at him with the force of a sledgehammer, bones cracking under her hands with almost every blow.

"Stop!"  Kaidan ran up, tried to pull her away.  She flung him off casually, didn't look immediately at him, then turned to him swiftly.  For a moment he thought she was going to strike him, but she recovered herself as she met his eyes.  Turned away, still in the grip of a blood rage as savage as any that had ever plagued a Krogan.  She looked behind him, up, over at the brutalized Batarian and the stains he had left on the floor as he crawled away.

Kaidan stood, approached her warily.  "Serenity?"

She didn't answer, warily eyed the Batarian on the ground.  Moved to keep herself in line between any weapon the Batarian might have and Kaidan.  Looked up again, snarled.  Kaidan followed her glance, saw the Batarian with the half-crushed head drop something.  Serenity grabbed Kaidan, pulled him away.  Kaidan blinked as he realized it was a bomb, barely had time to throw up a barrier over the two of them before it landed.

The bomb went off, triggering another explosion that rocked the floors, and they fell together.  Locked in each other's arms – her, sheltering him with her body; he, focused on the biotic field protecting them both.


	16. {I'm the one who should be sorry. You thought I stopped loving you. I never did. I loved you with my last breath.}

"Are you all right?"

Serenity tried to move, but realized that she was lying comfortably in a pair of warm, familiar arms.  "Yeah, bones are knitting and stuff.  Where are we?"

"Service level.  Shoddy reconstructed walkways collapsed when that Keeper blew up."

"Oh, is that what happened?  I couldn't figure out what had exploded."  She nestled her head into his shoulder, wrapped her good arm around his chest.  "So, what are we doing down here?"

"Just waiting.  No radio signals getting out, but I think they heard me shouting for help.  Shouldn't be too long."  He looked down at her, tried not to see all the blood and the damage.  "Does...  does it hurt?"

She chuckled, to his amazement.  "What?  Protecting you?  Never has, never will."

He sighed, bent his head to hers.  Kissed her again, softly.  "Thank you."

She was silent.  Straightened out one leg in response to signals from her implants.  Listened to the slightly irritating noise of self-repair.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, go ahead.  We're alone, aren't we?"

"We are.  The pulse was so bad it practically knocked out my amp.  I'm pretty sure nothing external made it."  He took a deep breath, and she knew she wasn't going to like his question.  "Tell me about the Batarian."

She flinched.  Whispered something he could barely hear.

"Serenity?"

"I keep thinking it's not going to hurt anymore."

The pain in her voice...  he wondered if he should just let it go, but he couldn't.  "I...  you don't have to, but I...  I would like to know."

"Oh, God..."  She took a deep breath, almost a whimper of pain.  Emotional, not physical.  He couldn't see if she was crying.  "On Elysium...  I never..." She choked back a sob, and started over, her voice stronger but still strained with pain.  "We went as a group to Elysium, all of us.  Mary...  Inoue...  Keiichi...  Adam...  Zheng...  We'd grown up together, gone to Academy together.  It was the first time we had all seen each other since we were split into our training programs.  Everyone had paired up with someone except me....  N7 isn't really a good foundation for a relationship, you know?  Well, I met this man, on Elysium.  He was about ten years older than me, a lot like you in some ways, Kaidan.  More like you than I like to think about.  I suppose it turned out for the best, really."

"What happened?"  Gentle, questioning, confused.  He'd never thought about her being a war hero with scars.

"I was supposed to meet him for dinner.  He said...  he wanted to ask me a question, an important one.  I spent all day trying to figure out how to look nice, how I could make myself look like I would fit into his life, and I just couldn't.  I couldn't do it, I walked out of the hotel in my armor and weapons to just shoot stuff and let off some stress.  I knew he would be waiting for me at the restaurant.  It would have been the first time we ever met openly.  And I...  I didn't go.  I ran into Haliat's men instead, I held off six waves single-handedly and saved Elysium."  She made a noise, half a sob, half a cry of pain.  "But...  they were already inside the hotel.  I didn't know that when I was holding my position.  No one told me about the other waves.  When I got back, the last group of raiders was leaving.  They were looting bodies and running from the ground troops we had just landed.  I...  I found a Batarian looting his body.  They had rounded up all the hotel guests and shot them in cold blood.  All my childhood friends...  all the people I grew up with...  and I found this one Batarian...  standing over his body...  pulling...  what should have been my engagement ring...  from his jacket...  and he wasn't even cold...."  She stopped there, choked up.

He closed his eyes and continued to hold her, silently.  Trying not to give in to his own pain.  Trying to bear it, for her sake.

"He wasn't even cold," she repeated softly.  "Inoue was still breathing, had enough strength to send me after the rest of them before she died.  She held on long enough to see me kill the Batarian, I don't think she really understood.  I'll never know."  A deep, steadying breath.  "I found them all.  I recovered everything the raiders had taken off the bodies of the dead.  Everything they had stolen from my friends, all the others.  Everyone...  thought that was so heroic.  They were all so pathetically grateful to have the little things back...  such little, little things."

He felt a drop of warmth on his hands.  It could have been blood from a wound.  He couldn't see her face.

"I gave it back, of course.  His parents didn't know, no one knew.  He left people behind that needed that money now that he was gone.  They sold it back.  No one knew.  I don't even know for sure...  if he meant it for me....  I don't know."

"Serenity...."

The love in his voice was like warm, clean water to her tortured soul, washing away the darkness there.  Exposing a deeper wound.  "Oh, Kaidan, I used to wonder...  if they had never attacked, would I really have left?  Would I really have given up my whole life?  But then...  I met you.  And that night before Ilos....  for the first time, I was glad!  I was glad it happened!"  She buried her face in his chest, ashamed to meet his eyes.  "I was glad because everything I lost brought me to you...."


	17. Dialogue Interlude: Opera

"And who might this be?" Aria looked curiously at the young man standing next to Serenity. "He doesn't have as many weapons as your usual cohorts, Shepard."  
"Joker, meet Aria, she runs Omega. Aria, meet Joker, the best damn pilot in the galaxy. Sorry, you can't shake his hand."  
Aria raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"  
"He's fragile."  
Aria eyed Jeff curiously. "And what makes him the best pilot in the galaxy? That's a pretty sweeping statement, isn't it?"  
"He's the only reason any of the crew from the original Normandy survived," said Serenity sharply. "He can fly anything with a propulsion engine, and make a clean landing on surfaces that would make regular pilots go home and cry."  
"Okay, Commander, I think she gets your point. You can stop now." Jeff shuffled uncomfortably. The very tall, very intimidating Asari hadn't taken her eyes from Jeff since he had walked up the stairs. Jeff took another sip from his drink and tried to ignore her.  
"Anyway, just hang out in the club while we search, Joker. Don't get too drunk."  
"Aye, aye, Commander."  
Serenity and Thane walked back down the stairs. Aria continued to watch Jeff.  
"Have a seat," Aria offered, and gestured to the couch next to her.  
"Thanks," Jeff mumbled. He was getting a weird headache from the noise, or something.  
"What did she mean, you're fragile?"  
"I, uh, my bones, break, really easy, so don't...." Jeff put a hand up to his head. "Oh, what the hell?" He looked at his drink.  
Aria's eyes went wide, and she moved, flowing and swift, to catch him before he fell over.  
Jeff panicked for a moment, but she cradled him gently, lifting him in strong arms and nestling his body against her.  
"Grizz! Is that damned Batarian up to his tricks again?" The rage in Aria's voice contrasted oddly with her feather touches on his skin, checking his pulse. "Get that medic up here. And bring me that Batarian's head."  
Jeff felt a fuzziness in his head, and faded out slightly. When he came to again, he was breathing comfortably, lying on the softest bed he'd ever known. The bed was also warm. And blue. And actually a completely naked Asari. Jeff swallowed nervously, coughed a little.  
Aria shifted slightly, and raised a glass of water to his lips.  
Jeff was acutely aware that he could just as easily take a drink of water or lick a very taut, blue nipple without moving his head, and both were equally appealing. He sipped the glass of water, and went back to resting his head on her bosom without protesting. "I'm sure there is a reason for this."  
Aria chuckled. "You were having trouble breathing."  
"Oh, yeah, the position makes sense now. You're basically breathing for me. That doesn't explain the nakedness, though." It had finally trickled through his head that he was also completely naked. Half-sitting up, leaning on a naked Asari, who was breathing very slowly and carefully, with his head cradled between her breasts, his arms draped over her thighs. One strong blue arm gently supporting his back, her long legs carefully cradling his body.  
"Didn't want you to hurt yourself. All those buckles, and stuff."  
"Right." Jeff didn't really want to question it, but felt that he should say something. "Sorry to impose."  
"It's not a problem," she said softly. "Are you comfortable?"  
Jeff muttered something under his breath.  
"Hmmm?"  
"I'm resting on a naked chick. What could I have to complain about?"  
"Well, you shouldn't have been poisoned in the first place. Don't worry, I made him pay." The sudden viciousness in her voice reminded Jeff of a lioness defending her cubs.  
Jeff closed his eyes, nestled himself a little more comfortably in her embrace. He planned to enjoy it while it lasted. She might feel guilty now, but he was certain someone like Aria wouldn't stay interested in him for very long. His lungs were working properly again, and he was pretty sure he could get up and get dressed now. If he wanted to.  
Someone knocked at the door of Aria's private chambers. "Ma'am? Commander Shepard is here."  
"Send her in," Aria replied.  
"Um... aren't you going to get dressed?" asked Joker nervously. "Or me? Or something?"  
"No, and you stay where you are. The poison won't be completely out of your system for at least another twenty minutes," Aria purred, laying a protective hand on his head. "Don't worry, I won't let you get hurt."  
Jeff wasn't feeling strong enough to question her, and closed his eyes again.  
"Okay, Aria, where's Joker and what the hell are you doing?" Serenity blurted out.  
"Relax, Shepard. That jackass Batarian poisoned him, but he's recovering now. He'll be fine."  
Jeff could tell he was turning bright red.  
Aria sighed, and pulled a sheet up, covering most of their nudity. "He was having spasms and couldn't breathe."  
"Well, thank you for saving my crewmember, Aria. I can take him off your hands now, if you like."  
"No," said Aria calmly, "that's not necessary. You can just finish your mission here and pick him up when you're done."  
"Uh..." Serenity considered. "Joker?"  
"I'm, uh... I'm fine, Commander. Not like I could fly right now anyway. Might as well just lie here."  
"Oh. Yeah, okay, if everyone's happy... don't want to cause any trouble or anything...."  
"It's no trouble at all, Shepard. I'll let you know if anything changes."  
Serenity decided not to comment again after seeing the look in Aria's eyes, and quietly left the room.  
Aside from the sheer embarrassment of being seen naked by Commander Shepard, Jeff also could tell that Aria was right, and he still wasn't feeling all that well. He really felt that he should say something, but she was running her fingers through his hair, gently massaging his scalp and it was making him terribly sleepy.  
"This is very nice," he heard himself murmuring. "Thanks."  
And then Jeff was fairly certain that he was asleep and dreaming, because he felt a pair of very soft, velvety lips pressed against his, and that had to be a dream. Someone like Aria, kissing him? Crazy.  
Oddly enough, Jeff woke up to the same sensation. A pair of soft lips, gently kissing him, occasionally running a tongue over his lips, with whisper-soft feather touches on his skin. Without thinking, he kissed back, felt soft, warm skin under his hands. Caressed it. Realized he was touching a naked woman's breast, and still lying on one.  
"You're awake," he heard Aria whisper. "How are you feeling?"  
"Right now? Horny."  
She laughed. "We should do something about that." She kissed him again. "I'm glad you're all right."  
He could tell she really meant it.  
"Why are you coming after me so hard?" Jeff tilted his head slightly and looked up at her. The beautiful Asari, ageless and powerful, looked at him. Her eyes were strangely soft as she watched him, waiting for his question, with a very contented half-smile was on her face. "Couldn't you just have anybody you wanted?"  
She looked startled, then smiled at him. "You're not just being flattering, are you?"  
"No, it's not like that," Jeff blushed, "it's just... well, look at me. It's bad enough normally, but you picked me up poisoned and sick. I don't think I could make myself look any worse."  
Aria chuckled. "I'm not chasing after you because you were weak and helpless." Aria slid down in the bed, pulled Jeff up so he could rest comfortably on top of her. "I'm chasing after you because you are the first person," she smiled to herself, and decided not to say the number, "in many years, who wasn't at all afraid of Aria."  
"What do you mean? I'm terrified of you!"  
"No, you're afraid of the woman in the bed with you." Aria smiled up at him.  
"Oh," said Jeff. "I get what you mean. The whole 'Queen of Omega' thing." Try as he might, he couldn't keep the slight mocking tone from his voice, and was relieved to hear her laugh.  
"I know, it is so stupid, isn't it?" Aria settled herself beneath Jeff, and slid a hand down his side. "Sometimes it's nice to have a man who just sees a woman."  
"Um...." Jeff felt himself stirring slightly, and Aria shifted again, in a way that made him really wonder if he had died or lost his mind at some point. "You really want to do this?"  
Aria smiled, "I've lived too long and too well to waste time dreaming about something I could easily be doing. Here, let me make this a little easier for you." Aria focused, created a slight biotic field, suspending Jeff and herself a few inches over the bed. "How's that?"  
"Cool!" Jeff shook himself. "Immature idiot! Sorry, that's just... that's really awesome. I hope I don't fall or anything, that would suck. I'd probably hit the bed, though." Jeff was half talking to himself, and still not entirely certain that he wasn't just dreaming this whole episode.  
"I won't let you fall," said Aria, in a very soft, seductive voice. She pulled him closer, moved her legs to carefully envelop Jeff in her embrace. Jeff moved, moaned as he brushed against the entrance to her body, warm and wet and inviting. "Yes, please," Aria moaned, and he entered her carefully.  
Suspended in midair as he was, for the first time in his life Jeff could let his hands roam freely over the woman he was making love to. He kissed her, touched her everywhere, reveling in the freedom and in her beauty. He kissed her tantalizing breasts, her beautifully rounded shoulders, her slender hands. Took her in his arms as he thrust as deeply as he could into her.  
For her part, Aria couldn't seem to get enough of kissing his lips. She touched him everywhere, but always returned to his lips, pulling his head back up to hers while she rocked beneath him. Long, deep kisses, his lips on hers, until she began moaning in drawn-out ecstasy.  
"Oh, I can't, I have to," she pulled his hands to her breasts, slowly settled back on the bed, clearly unable to maintain the field and orgasm at the same time. She moaned as Jeff continued to move, spread her legs wider for him, then began to quiver and gasp beneath him, shaking. She cried out, then again in a higher pitch as Jeff came inside her.  
Jeff groaned in release, and sank into her welcoming arms. "That was wonderful," he murmured, barely aware that he was speaking aloud.  
Aria sighed happily, and ran her hands over Jeff's arms, her touch gentle and soft. She smiled in satisfaction, a feeling she hadn't known for a long time, and pulled Jeff to her for another kiss.

Shepard had left Omega a few days ago, taking Jeff with her. Aria hadn't asked him to stay, and he hadn't offered. He did offer to write. Aria hadn't expected much.  
"Aria? Did you hear anything I just said?" growled Anto.  
Aria looked up from her datapad. "No, I didn't. Shut up and leave me alone."  
Jeff had warned her, he spent a lot of time alone and read a lot. He had not warned her that he wrote love letters so passionate that Aria wondered why her datapad hadn't caught fire. She looked down at the letter again. "Right now, I'm dreaming that I'm kissing you again," the letter began. She stood up and walked to her private chambers.  
"Aria," Anto began to complain.  
"Shut the hell up," snapped Aria. "I'm going on vacation."  
"We're going to be doing some searching on Ilium," Jeff had written in one part of the letter. "We'll be there for a while. There are lots of women on Ilium, but none of them are you. I'll hate every second of it."

"Jeff, you have a message."  
"What?" Jeff pulled his messaging terminal. "What the - " He stared at the message, unbelieving. "This has to be a joke." He paged Serenity. "Hey, Commander, is it okay I take some shore leave?"  
"Sure, Joker. Goldstein can take the helm while you're off."  
"Thanks, Commander."  
"Tell her I said hi!"  
Jeff blushed. "Right." He stood up. "EDI, don't let anything bad happen while I'm away."  
"I'll do my best," EDI replied.  
Jeff changed into civilian clothes and grabbed a small box from his room. He left the ship, and walked nervously out of the docking bay, towards the Trading Floor. He almost didn't see her, at first. He stopped, stared at her. She had changed her face markings slightly, but her curves and her poise were unmistakable. She was wearing Human-style clothing, rather than the traditional Asari robes. A long, straight skirt, solid black, that swept her ankles, and a matching tight, sleeveless tank top. She was resting her bare arms on the railing, looking out at the skyscape. She turned, seeking him.  
Their eyes met, and she smiled, as if grateful that he had come to see her. She walked up to him, moving so quickly and smoothly that her feet didn't seem to touch the ground.  
"Hello," she pulled him into a soft, gentle hug. Kissed him.  
Jeff put his arms around her, let himself settle into her kisses. "You're really beautiful," he murmured between caresses, not realizing that he was speaking aloud.  
Aria blushed, and kissed him again, holding him close to her, gently and carefully, but passionately nonetheless.  
Giggling in the background made her look up, and see that Serenity had roped off the area where they were embracing each other in yellow caution tape, and Zaeed was selling tickets to passerby.  
"Commander," said Jeff in irritation. "Grow up."  
Aria tried not to laugh, still holding Jeff in her arms. "I don't know, being trapped here and kissing you for a few hours seems like a good idea to me."  
Jeff kissed her on the cheek. "Yeah, like you weren't going to do it anyway. Half of those credits are ours, old man."  
Aria thrilled to hear him say it. Many years had passed since someone had been brave enough to declare themselves one with Aria, and this brash young Human did it without even thinking.  
"Half? You'll take one-third and you'll like it. You want a larger share, show more skin," growled Zaeed.  
"Okay," Aria smiled, "the show's over. C'mon, Jeff, let's get something to eat."  
Zaeed handed a credit chit to Jeff while Serenity took down the tape barrier.  
"What the - how long were we standing there?" said Jeff in disbelief.  
Serenity broke into laughter and walked away with Zaeed.  
Aria smiled, and put her arm protectively around Jeff. "Just ignore them."  
"I don't dare ignore them," protested Jeff. "You don't know what kind of shenanigans they'll get into!" He put his arm around her waist, and they headed to the taxi stand together. "Where are we going?"  
"Wherever. I just wanted to get away from Shepard. We can just wander the restaurant district until we find something we like."  
"That sounds good."  
"Or we could go to a hotel and have sex first."  
Jeff chuckled. "Does the hotel have room service? Then we could do both."  
"Hotel it is then." Aria directed the taxi to her hotel. She resisted touching him for all of three seconds, then started playing with his soft hair.  
"Do I remind you of someone you used to know?"  
"Hmm?"  
"I'm still trying to figure out why you're so crazy about me."  
Aria laughed. "No, I think the problem is I've never met anyone like you." She kissed him again, rejoicing in the enforced tenderness. "I do get a bit obsessive," she confessed. "I hope you don't mind."  
"Well, I figure you'll get bored eventually, so I should enjoy myself while it lasts." Jeff forced himself to smile, as if the thought of being dumped didn't bother him.  
Aria stared at him, savored the sudden glimpse of weakness. "I don't think," she said softly, her breasts heaving with restrained passion, "you have to worry about that." Aria leaned over, slid her hand between his legs, and kissed him again. "Not for a very, very long time."

Jeff was at the loading dock, counting up all the boxes and comparing them to the manifest. Usually, he hated this job. It made him tired, and he would have to sit down and then start again because he had lost his place. Having a beautiful assistant made this much more fun.  
Especially when your assistant decided that breaks consisted of making out in midair.  
Aria pulled away from him with a happy sigh and lowered them back down to the floor. "You're a magnificent kisser, Jeff," she purred happily.  
Jeff blushed. "Well, you make it really easy."  
She smiled at that, and kissed his cheek again.  
"Oh, no, don't start, we have to get this manifest sorted before the warehouse closes."  
Aria grinned. "I can wait for our next break." They walked down to the next stack of boxes, containing materials for repairing the Normandy. Jeff leaned comfortably on Aria, and began scanning and checking off boxes. Suddenly, Aria stiffened.  
Jeff looked up. "Liara! What are you doing here?"  
"Hello, Joker," said Liara sweetly. "Have you seen Shepard?"  
"She's still at the main warehouse," Jeff pulled out his passcard and tossed it to her. "C17."  
"Oh, thank you, Joker!" Liara ran off, almost skipping.  
Jeff chuckled. He turned and looked at Aria. "Were you jealous?"  
"No," said Aria defensively. "I just didn't know who she was."  
"Oh, 'cause she's way too young for me. Shepard's the one who likes them just off the apple cart." Jeff grinned. "You were jealous, weren't you?"  
Aria replied by kissing him.  
"Don't be jealous of Liara, nobody exists for her except Shepard. Besides," Jeff kissed Aria gently, "by the time she's old enough for me, I'll be long dead."  
Aria laughed, and Joker settled back, resting on her again. Aria watched him work, fascinated by his every move. She loved the fact that he fit perfectly into her arms. Aria pulled off his hat and ran her fingers through his hair, playing with the soft texture.  
"You're doing it again. I'm not a puppy."  
Aria laughed, and kissed the top of his head.  
"Or a baby! I'm trying to work," he grumbled, but she knew he was only pretending to be displeased. "You only lasted nine minutes this time."  
Aria laughed again. "I told you, you should have bet on it." Aria looked over at the warehouse entrance. "Some more company."  
Jeff looked, "Hey, Jacob. What's up?"  
"Joker. Aria. Have you seen Miranda anywhere?" Jacob asked.  
Jeff shook his head. "I know Shepard is in the main warehouse. I thought Miranda was watching the ship?"  
Jacob shook his head. "No, Shepard and I just finished up with the stores in the main warehouse, and Miranda took off a few hours ago. Thanks anyway." Jacob walked away.  
"Aren't you done yet?" asked Aria. "I'm sick of being interrupted."  
"Are you pouting? That's adorable!"  
Aria glared at him. "I am not pouting. And if you don't stop, I'll – "  
"You are pouting!" Jeff laughed. "Aw, don't worry, I'll finish up here in a few – "  
Aria interrupted his mocking laughter by dropping to her knees in front of him, and gently but firmly pulling his hips to her.  
"Oh, wait, this – here? Now? Um…"  
Aria opened his pants, and laughed to find him stiff and hard. She didn't bother arguing with him, she just leaned forward, sliding his length between her lips, tasting him and listening to his hoarse moans of pleasure. Aria ran her tongue all over his stiffness, used her hands to hold him gently in place while she sank the entire length down her throat, licking and sucking Jeff until he cried out in warning. Aria used her hand to keep up the welcome pressure while she pulled away just enough so that when he came, she could swallow every drop.  
Jeff sank back with a little groan, and she carefully pulled him into her arms so that he could rest against her.  
"Wow," muttered Serenity. "You really like him."  
"Shepard! What are you doing," snapped Aria, as Jeff tried to struggle to his feet and fix his pants.  
"Oh, don't mind me, Joker. You keep doing what you're doing."  
Jeff looked at her, and realized that Shepard had obviously been kissing someone – possibly more than that, considering that Serenity was flushed and her shirt awry. "Did you need something, Commander?"  
"Oh, I was looking for Miranda. Or rather, Jacob is looking for Miranda. I thought she was around here somewhere."  
"No, I thought she was in the main warehouse," Jeff finished fixing his clothes and let Aria pull him into her arms again. "Jacob already came by here, looking for her."  
"Yeah, but I know she's in here somewhere. Or she was." She looked curiously at Jeff and Aria. "Have you two been here the entire time?"  
Aria nodded.  
"Hrm," Serenity made a noncommittal noise and looked around the warehouse. "I can smell her perfume."  
Jeff looked at her in disbelief, but Aria sniffed the air and looked at Serenity in surprise.  
"You're right."  
Serenity grinned. "How can you smell anything like that?"  
Aria wiped her face. "Will you go find your Cerberus cheerleader already?"  
"Heh," Serenity laughed, and walked around the warehouse, straightening her clothes as she walked.  
"What were you doing anyway, Commander?"  
"Kissing Liara goodbye," called Serenity. "She got thoroughly out of hand."  
Jeff laughed. "You sound surprised, Commander. I thought you knew that you make Liara crazy."  
"I thought Liara came pre-crazy." Serenity knelt down in front of a pile of boxes that Miranda had turned into a little nest, and watched her sleeping crewmember. "How did you sleep through all that noise?" Miranda didn't move beyond stirring slightly. Serenity touched her hand, slightly distracted from her original mission by the softness of Miranda's skin. "Wake up, already." Miranda made a soft noise, and tried to brush her away. Serenity laid her hand on Miranda's forehead. "Oh, you're burning up. What are you doing out here, silly girl?"  
Serenity lifted her easily, shifting Miranda so that the other woman's head was resting on her shoulder. "Let's get you to the medbay. I wonder if that's why Jacob was looking for her."  
"Oh, you found her," said Jeff.  
"Yeah, she's running a fever or something. I'll take her back to the ship."  
Aria smiled at her. "I guess you don't need any help with that."  
Serenity laughed. "She weighs a lot less than the Cain. Jeff, could you tell Jacob that I found her, and let Chakwas know I'm bringing her to medbay?"  
"Sure thing, Commander."  
Miranda stirred slightly, and put her arms around Serenity without waking up. Serenity grinned. "I sure hope nobody I know sees me, this looks really bad!"  
Jeff laughed. "I'm sure you'll be fine, Commander. I'll see you back at the ship."


	18. Dialogue Interlude: Virtue

"Do you need any help?" Serenity grinned and helped the woman pick up her packages.  
"Thank you," the woman smiled. "I just picked up a few things for a date, and kind of got carried away."  
"Sounds like fun."  
"We just made up," she said with a little giggle, "and I"m really, really happy. I think I would have been devastated if I had really lost him." She sighed happily. "But it all worked out."  
Her words made Serenity think of Kaidan, and she smiled in sympathy with the stranger.  
"His ex from like, two years ago or something, came back into his life, and he was really messed up for a while."  
"Oh?" said Serenity, not sure if she really wanted to hear the story.  
"Yeah, he really loves her, but she isn't right for him. She's not pretty at all, she's the big, manly, soldier type. No offense," said the woman quickly.  
"None taken," Serenity smiled her most trustworthy smile.  
"But mostly, it's because she's a cheater."  
Serenity looked questioningly at the stranger. "How do you know?"  
"Oh, we saw her, running around with one of her Asari girlfriends. They were making out at the spaceport and everything."  
Serenity blinked. "How indiscreet."  
"I know!" the woman exclaimed. "He nearly lost it. Poor guy, he deserves better than that."  
Serenity shrugged. "Maybe. I don't have much use for men myself."  
The stranger smiled and looked away shyly, not daring to take up the thread of conversation from there.  
The elevator finally stopped and they got off at the Residential District.  
"Do you need help carrying those?" Serenity offered.  
"Um, sure, thanks." The woman was slightly nervous, but she couldn't resist letting someone carry the extra bags. "It's not very far, just down here in the 200s."  
Serenity carried the bags easily, and set them down at the door. "Here you go." She didn't bother looking at the number, or waiting for the woman to thank her. "See you around."  
Serenity walked until she knew she was out of sight, and headed back to the elevators. The Residential District was not a good place to lose one's temper. She forced herself to breathe deeply and slowly. Everything would work out, she told herself. It had to.  
She headed back to Zakera Ward, hoping to find someone she could talk to, someone from her crew, anyone who would understand. Anyone who would listen.  
"The same side? Not a chance in hell, Cerberus bitch!"  
Serenity grinned darkly at the chance of a fight, and walked up to where Miranda and Jacob were trying not antagonize a few Alliance soldiers, one of whom must have recognized Miranda even in her civilian clothes.  
"I ought to have you arrested, you murdering bitch!" the soldier snarled.  
Serenity put her hands on Miranda's hips and gently moved her out of the way so that the shouting soldier was facing Serenity instead. "You have a problem with my crew, soldier?" Just to be as provocative as possible, she didn't take her hands away, and let Miranda lean on her. Even without her armor, Serenity Shepard was a very intimidating person. Tall. Lean. Angry, her green eyes narrowed and her face set like cast marble, clearly ready for a fight, for all that she was dressed in common workclothes and facing a trained solder in full armor. He backed away first, and then he recognized her. Serenity grinned at seeing the shock and recognition flicker across his face.  
"Uh, no, ma'am. I, uh...." his voice trailed away in something like terror.  
"What's going on here?"  
Serenity felt her heart sink at the voice. This was not the way she had wanted this meeting to happen. She glanced at the soldier she had stared down, and finally read the ship's name. A sudden anger flared in her heart. Serenity gritted her teeth, and stood her ground. Didn't change her pose, didn't move an inch.  
The crowd parted to let Captain Shepard through, and she came face to face with her daughter.  
Hannah Shepard was equally as tall and imposing as Serenity, but surprisingly blond and even a bit broader in the shoulders. The same green eyes, and no welcome in either pair.  
"So," Captain Shepard snarled, "it is true. You really are working with Cerberus."  
"Don't you mean, 'Yes, the Alliance really did turn their back on you and hang you out to dry?'" Serenity retorted.  
"How dare you!"  
Miranda was very tense, and would have moved away from Serenity's hands were it not for the fact that they were still surrounded by crew from the Orizaba.  
"I was raised to be honest," Serenity growled.  
"I can't believe this," Captain Shepard choked back her rage. "Fine, you and your father can stay with Cerberus if you want to. Just stay out of my life. Don't ever speak to me again!" She turned on her heel and stormed away from Serenity. The Orizaba crew followed their captain without speaking.  
Serenity watched her leave in confusion, but was still too angry to bother asking. "Well, I think we've all had our fun here. Let's get going."  
Miranda waited until they were back at the Normandy to talk to Serenity, who still looked ready to rip out bulkheads. "I have no idea what she was talking about. There are no other Shepards working for Cerberus, as far as I know."  
Serenity laughed, a harsh laugh that grated on the nerves. "That's my mother's last name. They're not married."  
"Oh." Miranda looked at Serenity curiously. "So what is your father's name?"  
"Dr. Hiroshi Kimoura. Does a lot of cybernetics work."  
Miranda gasped and Jacob looked stunned.  
"Okay, no wonder your mom was pissed," said Jacob.  
"He never told me!" exclaimed Miranda.  
"Would you have let him work on the project if you knew he was just trying to help his daughter?"  
"Of course not! That's completely unethical, and frankly, dangerous!"  
"Well, that would be why he didn't mention it."  
Miranda shook her head in disbelief. "How long have you known?"  
Serenity shrugged. "For a while. Dr. Chakwas mentioned his name as one of the people who worked on designing my implants, but no one seemed to know that he was my father. I figured I shouldn't mention it." Serenity looked around. "I need a drink. By the way, Miranda - the part that was making her so angry wasn't that you were from Cerberus. It was the way I was touching you."  
Miranda blushed in surprise. "Oh, well... obviously, she had the wrong idea. You were trying to make her angry."   
Kelly walked up with a tray of iced tea and sandwiches. "Here you are, Commander. You look like you could use a snack."  
"Thank you, Kelly." Serenity hadn't realized how hungry she was.  
Miranda realized that Kelly was defusing the situation, and took the opportunity to escape to her office. "I'm going to go put my things away."  
"I take it your trip to the Citadel didn't go as you had hoped?" Kelly asked.  
"It sucked," Serenity snarled.  
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Kelly with genuine sympathy. "Still, isn't Liara coming back tomorrow? That's good, right?"  
Serenity handed back the glass and walked away. She took the elevator down to the Engineering deck, picked up Jack and settled down in Starboard Cargo for a night of drinking. Grunt joined them to listen to Zaeed's wild stories, and Garrus and Tali eventually came down to join in.  
Kelly came down early in the morning, after checking Serenity's cabin and finding it empty.  
"And that's when Willey said, 'Where's my vodka?' You should have seen the look on Preston's face when he realized what he had drunk. And then the vodka hit him! He just toppled over," Zaeed laughed. "It was the funniest thing I've ever seen."  
Serenity snorted, trying not to topple over herself. "Oh, hey, Kelly. What are you doing down here?"  
Kelly stepped over Jack and Grunt, who were passed out on the floor. "I came to get you. You're supposed to meet Liara at the spaceport in an hour."  
"Oh, is it morning already?" Serenity stood and stretched. "I am starving. I could go for some waffles or something."  
"It is morning," Zaeed observed. "That explains why we're out of whiskey."   
"Have you been drinking all night?" asked Kelly in disbelief.  
Serenity walked past her, only slightly unsteady. "I'm going to take a shower. Is Garrus up?"  
"Garrus and Tali went out for breakfast already."  
"Oh well." Serenity stepped into the elevator. "I'll be leaving for the spaceport in fifteen minutes."  
Kelly frowned as the elevator disappeared. She bent down and tried to get Jack to wake up, but it was of no use. "You're not going to go with her, Zaeed?"  
"I don't jump in front of thresher maws, and I'm not going to cross Shepard when she wants to be in a bad mood."  
"Do you have any idea what she's upset about?"  
"Do I look like a caring, sympathetic shoulder to you? When Shepard's ready to talk, she will. Pestering her about it won't help any."  
Kelly sighed. Zaeed broke down, and helped her get Jack and Grunt up.

Serenity leaned against the wall, waiting for Liara to disembark. Part of her wondered if Kaidan was watching again, but the other half of her was still hoping it was all just a misunderstanding.  
"Shepard!" Liara ran up to her and pounced on Serenity. "Oh, I'm so glad you're still here."  
"I said I would be!" Serenity protested. "How did it go?"  
Liara pouted. "Terrible. They were tipped off somehow, and I didn't get anything really useful. I did get my hands on some databanks that weren't completely wiped. They seem to have some old encrypted files that I might be able to piece together. Also, I took out two of the Shadow Broker's agents, so it wasn't a complete waste."  
Serenity picked up Liara's bag for her and they walked out of the spaceport together, Liara hanging on her arm. "Are you hungry? I could really use some breakfast."  
"Oh, breakfast sounds wonderful!" Liara smiled. "I don't get a kiss this time, I take it?"  
"You're not heading towards certain death. Just some waffles."  
Liara giggled, snuggled Serenity's arm. "A girl can't be blamed for trying."  
"C'mon, let's meet up with Garrus and Tali at the IHOP."  
"I will never understand why the Volus keep opening those."  
"You do know that it was originally a Human concept, right?"  
Liara laughed lightly, and continued to mock the venerable breakfast restaurant chain while Serenity sent a message to Tali, letting her know they were on the way.  
They walked out of the spaceport, and took a taxi to the IHOP. Serenity carefully didn't look around to see if anyone was watching as they left.  
Tali waved to Serenity and Liara as they entered the bustling restaurant. "Over here!"  
They joined Tali and Garrus at the table, and ordered some food. Serenity started eating a stack of waffles, and ordered another two more. Her implants had gone into overdrive from the stress and the drinking, and she needed energy.

"I'm surprised you can still breathe, Shepard. I've never seen anyone drink so much," grinned Garrus.  
Serenity finished another stack of waffles. "Sure you have. Zaeed does it all the time."  
"Hardly an ideal role model," commented Tali. "Bosh'tet, why isn't this going through?"  
"What are you doing?" asked Liara curiously.  
"I'm trying to send a private message over the Citadel network, but it keeps getting rejected for some reason."  
"Why don't you just send a normal message?"  
Serenity put down her glass of juice. "Tali, are you trying to send a message to Kaidan?"  
"Yes, but it's not working. I don't know what I'm doing wrong."  
"Kaidan? Alenko?" said Liara sharply.  
"Was there another one I should know about?" asked Tali. "Of course it's Alenko. I thought he could join us for breakfast! It would be just like old times."  
"Stop," Liara commanded. She stood up and picked up her bag.  
"What the hell are you doing?" asked Serenity. "Sit down."  
"I am not staying here if Alenko is coming," said Liara, her lips pressed together tightly.  
"Well, he isn't coming, so sit down. Actually, pass me the boysenberry syrup from that empty table while you're standing. I can't believe they ever planned to stop making this flavor." Liara handed her the bottle. Serenity drowned her last stack of waffles in syrup, and began eating them. Liara sat down again next to Serenity, confused and cautious.  
"Shepard, do you know why my messages aren't going through?" asked Tali.  
Serenity shrugged. "I'm guessing it's because he's rejecting them. Is there any orange juice left?"  
"Only dextro." Garrus waved to their waitress, a perennially happy little Volus female wearing a bright red apron over her exosuit, and ordered another pitcher of juice for Serenity. "You want anything, Liara?"  
"No," Liara looked curiously at Serenity. "I'm fine, thank you. Shepard, did you ... have a fight with Alenko?"  
Serenity shook her head, and finished the last of her waffles. "Nope. He hasn't spoken to me for a while. Or written to me. Or answered my messages."  
"I will never understand Humans," Tali muttered, and continued working with her omni-tool.  
"But... I got you the address you wanted." Liara wrung her hands. "Didn't you find him?"  
Serenity leaned back, in her chair. She could tell she was starting to get a little strange from lack of sleep. "No, I didn't find him." Serenity leaned back in the booth, and stretched out, putting one arm behind Liara.  
Liara considered. All she had to do was move over slightly, and.... She decided to change the subject. "I found those periodicals you asked about!" she said brightly. Lifted her bag, and pulled out the glossy special edition data module. "Two years of Vogue, just like you wanted!"  
Serenity gasped in joy. "Oh!" She scanned through the cover shots, stopped at a modestly styled, beautiful gold and silver dress. "This would look really good on Tali, wouldn't it? I wonder who made it."  
Liara looked at the picture, then at Tali. "Actually, it really would. As an exosuit, of course."  
"Let me see that," said Garrus.  
"What? We don't wear dresses. Quarians don't do fashion."  
"Huh," Garrus looked at Tali, then at the picture. "You have a good eye for this sort of thing, Shepard."  
"I like to look at beautiful women in beautiful clothes," said Serenity. "It's more fun than just dressing up dolls." She took back the module and went back to looking at more of the past year's designs.  
"I can't imagine you playing with dolls," Garrus grinned.  
"Can you imagine me playing with real women instead?"  
"I can, but I'm trying not to."  
Tali threw a slice of toast at Garrus. "You pig!"  
"What!"  
"You're not even trying. I can tell."

Serenity walked into the Main Gunnery. "Hey, Garrus."  
"Shepard. What's up? You need something?"  
Serenity sat down. She still hadn't been to sleep yet. "Tell me what happened with Liara and Kaidan."  
Garrus chuckled. "They had a fight, of course. I thought they had made up by now, shows you what I know." Garrus leaned back on the railing, across from Serenity. "Liara is a little tactless, you know? And she's young. They were spending time together after you were gone. Comforting each other over losing you."  
"Wait." Serenity held up her hand in shock. "Liara... and Kaidan?"  
Garrus nodded.  
"You know, you'd think that one of them would have mentioned that."  
"I haven't gotten to the end yet. The fight." Garrus sighed. "Liara wanted... more. He wasn't ready for it, and he was too honest to pretend he loved her for herself. So he said they should break it off. And Liara went crazy, said some really childish and unpleasant things. He put up with it until she accused him of never really loving you."  
Serenity sat very still. She'd never imagined this side of Kaidan, never dreamed that Liara cared that much.  
"He almost killed her, Shepard. I've never seen anything like it. I always knew he was a powerful biotic for a Human, but this...." Garrus shook his head. "I actually saved her life, made him stop. I know he apologized to her later on, and returned all her things. I thought they were over all of that. But, I guess you just have that effect on people, Shepard."  
Serenity shook her head. "Great. That's just great. And no one was going to tell me."  
"Personally, I was hoping it would never come up."  
She dropped her head into her hands. "You have no idea how much being dead is complicating my life." Serenity groaned in frustration. "Dammit, why me? Why do I have to do everything? Why can't the princess kill her own damn dragon, just once?"  
"What?"  
"Nothing, forget it." Serenity stood up. "It's just ... it's not fair."  
"Shepard. Why do you have to do everything?" Garrus asked. "Why don't you just... I don't know, wait and see? For once?"  
Serenity stared at her friend. "Um...."  
"I mean, really, what's the worst that can happen? You'd have to just save everybody like you do anyway. At least you could take a break in between. Maybe have some fun. Just once."  
"I... can I do that? I don't know if I can," Serenity laughed. "What would I do with myself in the meantime?"  
Garrus grinned. "Play with dolls or something. I don't know. Just, let them figure themselves out for once. If they still need you to kill dragons, or whatever, they'll come find you."  
The idea of playing with dolls made her giggle. "I have," Serenity started laughing, and couldn't stop, "the stupidest idea. I'm going to go talk to Miranda, I'll see you later."

"Creator-Tali. We welcome you. What is your desire?"  
"Legion! I need your help. I am trying to get a recording from the public records of the Citadel, but I keep getting blocked."  
Legion didn't answer right away. "What information are you trying to access, Creator-Tali?"  
"I'm trying to help Shepard-Commander. I want to know what happened -"  
"Creator-Tali. We do not think that would help Shepard-Commander." Before Tali could explain, Legion continued. "Creator-Tali. Shepard-Commander is well aware of your capabilities. Shepard-Commander is also equipped with a large support network within the Normandy. Shepard-Commander has chosen not to make use of these resources. It is our understanding that Shepard-Commander is exploring the path of self-determination at this time."  
"What?" Tali thought about it.  
"Shepard-Commander wishes to let others make their own choices at this time, without interference, and plans to do the same thing."  
"That's ridiculous!" Tali snapped, and crossed her arms in frustration. "Why don't Humans ever know what they want?"  
"It seems to be a common feature of organic lifeforms."  
"Part of me wants to claim this is all your fault, but I know it's not."  
Legion was silent.  
"Stupid organic lifeforms! Why can't they just go and be happy!" Tali shouted suddenly.  
"It is not in their programming," Legion observed.  
"Bash'a'den! Why do I even bother trying?"  
"Because it is in your programming, Creator-Tali."  
"What? Oh, you...." Tali sighed. "Yes, I suppose it is. Well, if I can't meddle in her love affair, what should I do?"  
Legion didn't comment on the inappropriateness of Tali asking him for advice. "Research indicates that Vakarian-Officer would be of most assistance in distracting you from the current situation, Creator-Tali. However, four hundred and eighty-five processes believe that it would be best for the Creators as a species if you spent more time preparing for mating with Creator-Kal."  
Tali stared at Legion. "Legion, please remind me never to ask you that ever again."  
"Creator-Tali, we apologize if our comment was too intrusive. We are concerned with the low birth rate current in the Creators, and your code is too valuable not to be passed on to the next iteration."  
"No seriously, Legion. Never bring this up again."  
"As you wish, Creator-Tali."  
"Well, not never," Tali relented. "Just... oh, Keelah, why am I talking about sex to a Geth? I've gone mad. I'm going to get some ice cream." Tali stormed off.


	19. Dialogue Interlude: The Miss Normandy Pageant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *unfinished*

"You're not seriously going to let her compete, are you?" Miranda's scorn was mixed with disbelief as Serenity took down Jack's measurements. "It's a beauty contest, Serenity, not a spitting contest."  
"You're just worried you won't win, huh, cheerleader?" Jack grinned. "I know how to walk in heels, bitch. It's not fucking rocket science."  
Miranda crossed her arms and stared at Jack. "I was more worried about the swimsuit." She stared pointedly at Jack's chest.  
"Hey, some guys like the little itty bitty look," said Tali helpfully.  
"Okay, that went too far, Tali." Serenity frowned. "She filled out the paperwork like everyone else, so she gets to be in the pageant." Serenity considered for a moment. "And for the record, Jack's breasts aren't that small. She'll fill out a swimsuit just fine."  
"Not as well as I will!" snapped Miranda.  
"Well, no."  
"Fuck the both of you!" snarled Jack.  
"I'm free later," said Serenity suggestively. "Don't know how you'll convince Miranda, though."  
Miranda and Jack stared at Serenity, who grinned evilly, and continued entering measurements without saying a word. They then looked at each other before storming off the deck to their respective quarters.  
"You really enjoy doing that, don't you?" Tali laughed.  
"Keeps them on their toes."  
"What would you do if one of them actually took you up on your comments and actually showed up in your cabin?"  
Serenity looked at Tali. "I'd do what any red-blooded Alliance Soldier would do with a woman in my cabin."  
"Play cards?"  
Serenity shrugged. "Probably."  
Jacob chuckled, distracted for a moment from the vision of Miranda walking away. "Jack filled out paperwork? Really?"  
Serenity grinned. "Yeah, she got Thane to help her, since 'he doesn't like human women.'" Serenity burst out laughing. "That was pretty funny to watch."  
Jacob raised an eyebrow. "She said that to Thane?"  
"Repeatedly."  
Jacob shook his head. "Cruel, cruel woman."  
"Oh, I don't know. I think it worked out in the end, if you know what I mean."  
"Oh, that explains the trip to Omega to get a lizard tattoo."  
"Moving on!" said Serenity. "Okay, so we have an M.C. - "  
"MC Taylor in the house!" chanted Jacob, throwing his arms up in the air.  
"Stop that. Tali and I will be doing the commentator bit, Legion is doing the lights and sound - "  
"And we're seriously going to be broadcasting our beauty contest to the geth? Nobody else thinks this is crazy?" Tali demanded.  
Serenity shrugged. "Legion said they would be interested. It's not like it's sensitive military data. It's a bunch of organics acting like dogs and staring at hot chicks for two hours. Maybe he'll learn a punchline besides 'Data not available.'"  
Tali shook her head.  
"He was pretty disappointed to find that Creator-Tali wouldn't be participating in the swimsuit competition."  
"What?" Tali realized what Serenity had just said, and threw some excess packaging at her. "Not funny!"  
Jacob laughed. "You believed her for a second, didn't you?"  
"Shut up, both of you." Tali sulked and went back to uploading designs for the walkway.  
"And now we just have to find judges."  
Jacob laughed to himself. "For the judges, you ought to make a new Council."  
"What?"  
"You know, a Human, an Asari, a Turian, and a Salarian."  
Serenity shook her head. "Salarians have no sex drive, that wouldn't work."  
"Have someone sit in for the Salarian, then," Tali suggested.  
"Like what?" Jacob asked.  
"I dunno, a Volus? Or, maybe Wrex is free?" said Tali, uncertain.  
Serenity started laughing. "Wrex! Wrex would be perfect!"  
"Who would you get for the Turian? Garrus?" Jacob asked.  
"No, Garrus and Joker want to be Statler and Waldorf."  
Tali stared blankly at Serenity. "Who?"  
Serenity shook her head. "No, I'm not going to explain. Garrus is busy, we have to find another Turian who likes Human women."  
"Oh, that will be difficult. Where will you find one of those?" said Jacob sarcastically. "They're so rare!"  
"But he has to be articulate and personable, so I can't just pick any merc off the streets of Omega. Oh! I know! I'll see if Lorik Qui'in is available." Serenity made a quick note on her datapad.  
"Qui'in? The Administrator of Port Hanshan? The guy who hires Cerberus spies as administrative assistants on purpose?"  
"Note to self," Serenity murmured, "remind him that Kelly already has a job."  
"Well, we can't argue with his taste, at any rate. Asari?"  
"Hrm... I wonder if Aethyta would be interested."  
"Show her Miranda's ass, she'll be interested."  
"Good point."  
"And now for the Human...." Serenity considered. "This is going to be hard."  
Tali snickered.  
"Quiet, you. We can't ask any Alliance officers, they'd have a conflict of interest. And we can't have any Cerberus officers, they'd get arrested."  
Tali cheered.  
"Quiet, you," said Jacob. "So who can you ask?"  
Serenity shrugged. "I think I'll just wander the Citadel and ask random people."  
"That ... that shouldn't work."  
"Well, let's go find out."  
She sent off the last set of designs and measurements, then headed to the shuttle with Tali and Jacob in tow. They landed at the Citadel, still arguing over who would be a good prospective Human judge for their admittedly improper beauty pageant.  
"Commander Shepard? Holy hell, it's really you!"  
Serenity started at the familiar voice. "What the - you're alive! And you haven't tried to sell me anything!" She pulled her former Requisitions Officer into a friendly hug. "How have you been? What are you up to these days?"  
"Surviving, got assigned to the Berlin a while back. What are you doing here?"  
"Trying to find someone to judge my beauty pageant. Here." Serenity uploaded the advertisement she had designed for her network of friends and an invitation to the pageant to his omni-tool. "You should come! Bring some friends, so long as they're loud and appreciate half-naked women."  
"Ah, so no Quarians then." He glanced at Tali with a quick smile. "If you're looking for a crowd, Commander, I can certainly help you with that."  
"And if you're looking for a Quarian," Tali smacked Serenity on the side of her head before she could finish, a move Tali had learned from Jacob. "Never mind, we'll just be going." As Tali turned away, Serenity whispered, "Check the Used Starship store, her name's Lia'Vael."  
"Serenity!"  
"I gotta go!" Serenity scampered away, leaving her former Requisitions Officer with a huge smile on his face. He started forwarding the message around as he walked away.

"Anderson! Anderson, you have to help me!" Serenity ran into the Ambassador's office, Jacob and Tali following. "We have to hide! Quick!"  
Tali scooted under a desk, and with impeccable Quarian skill, made herself practically invisible. Jacob and Serenity took opposite sides of the door and dropped over the railing.  
"What the - " Anderson didn't get to finish his sentence before Admiral Hackett stormed in.  
"Anderson! Did you know about this?" He thrust a datapad into Anderson's hands.  
Bewildered, Anderson looked down and saw an advertisement for the "Miss Normandy Beauty Pageant," to be held on Noveria, with an encrypted keyword link to follow for more information and a chance to win a special invitation. "This is a joke, right?"  
"No, it isn't," said Hackett grimly. "I don't know what Cerberus is up to with this."  
"Do you think those are real?"  
Hackett realized that Anderson was asking about the scantily clad bosom on the advertisement. "Anderson, focus."  
"I'm trying to." Anderson tore his eyes away from the advertisement. "I didn't know you were on Serenity's mailing list."  
"What?"  
Anderson walked over to his secondary monitor and pulled up the whole mailing that Serenity had designed and sent to him before going 'public' to her secret mailing list. "It's genuine, Hackett, at least as far as Shepard is concerned. Nothing more than two hours of T&amp;A, designer clothes, and really bad jokes. ERCS is doing security, and I was trying to decide if it was worth sending in some extra people."  
"Somehow that message got on the Berlin, and now everyone wants shore leave," Hackett fumed. "What am I supposed to do?"  
Anderson considered, tried not to look at his desk. "Why don't you just send them to Noveria?" Anderson looked at Hackett and tried not to laugh. "We can rig up some excuse. Maybe buying something from Binary Helix. It doesn't matter how flimsy the excuse is, I know the Administrator will be very accommodating."  
"Why would Noveria let an Alliance cruiser into their space?"  
"First, because that would offset the Turian cruiser that already demanded an invitation. Second, because the Administrator wants a big crowd for the show, since he's one of the judges. And most important, because an Alliance cruiser will be staffed with even more female Humans for the Administrator to ogle."  
"What... why would... I need a drink." Hackett shook his head, paced around the office, and didn't immediately notice when Tali handed him the glass that Anderson had filled. "Thanks," Hackett swallowed the whiskey in one gulp, handed her back the glass, and finally did a double take. "Tali!"  
"Hello!"  
"What are you doing here?"  
Tali pointed behind Hackett where Serenity and Jacob were climbing back into Anderson's office.  
Anderson poured more drinks and handed them around. "The purple one is for Tali," Anderson said rather unnecessarily.  
"Shepard, what is this?" Hackett held up the datapad.  
"It was a joke, or it was supposed to be. But someone thought it was a good idea, so I started getting it set up. And then it got out of hand. It was the dresses that did it."  
"What?"  
Serenity sighed, knocked back her drink. "I asked an old friend to ask her boss if he would design a dress for Miranda." Serenity did a quick outline of Miranda's shape. "Well, apparently he bragged to another designer that he was designing a dress for a secret pro-Human beauty pageant. The next thing I know, all these designers are demanding that I use their clothes. And that we can't just do it on the ship, so we ended up being sent to Noveria. I tried to get out of it, but it didn't work. All I wanted was to play with my crewmates like they were Barbie™ dolls!"  
"You couldn't just say no?"  
"I don't think fashion designers can hear the word 'no.' It took me two weeks to convince Alexei Klein that I wasn't going to wear a dress. And every time I complained, I got more resources thrown at me. I think they all just want to see the swimsuits."  
"Custom, one-of-a-kind swimsuits, designed to flatter and enhance each contestant's individual assets," clarified Jacob with a little nod.  
Hackett shook his head in disbelief.  
"Now I just need to find a Human for the judging. Someone respectable, but who won't get in trouble for it."  
Anderson considered, while Hackett stared at the datapad in disbelief.  
"So," Hackett finally asked, "are those real?"  
Jacob nodded. "One hundred percent."  
"I know!" Anderson walked over to his work station. "That Cerberus woman, she's a biotic, right?"  
"Yes," said Serenity uncertainly.  
"We can get Burns to do it!"  
"Who?"  
"Martin Burns, the Transhuman Subcommittee Chairman. If there is a Human biotic involved, he can make a good political case to avoid any backlash."  
"In that case, there are two Human biotics involved."  
"Perfect!"  
Hackett looked curiously at Anderson, then shrugged.  
Serenity grinned at Hackett. "Are you going to come watch the show, Admiral?"  
Hackett shook his head. "No, I don't think I can."  
"Oh, well in that case, let Tali set you up with the private broadcast."  
"Here," Tali started uploading the information to Hackett's omni-tool.  
"I don't recognize this comm relay protocol."  
Tali laughed. "It's not Cerberus, if that's what you're wondering. Some... friends of mine set it up for us."  
"Oh, so it's Quarian then."  
"Err..." Tali was blushing under her helmet, but no one except Serenity could tell. "Closer to Quarian than anything else, yes. It's not official or anything. Don't worry so much, Admiral."  
"Oh, right," Hackett grinned. "I'll just tap into an illegal broadcast on pirated comm relays so I can watch scantily clad women prance around for two hours. Nothing that a highly-placed Alliance official should worry about. So, Tali, what will you be wearing?"  
"What is with you Humans and Quarian women? It's unnatural!"  
"We found a budding Quarian fashion designer on his Pilgrimage and got him a job with the House of Zaitsev! She's going to be wearing this incredible white and gold exosuit!" Serenity grinned, made a quick gesture referring to Tali's shapely hips. "The Flotilla Admiralty Board has already condemned it as a horrible waste of resources."  
"Oh, I have to see this."  
Tali groaned. "I hate you all."

[]

Serenity smiled, and looked at her reflection in the hotel mirror again. The shirt, crisp white linen; a mandarin collar. The suit, perfect black pinstripes. Classical tailoring. Squarely cut, with masculine lines that made her look slightly androgynous and incredibly appealing. Jade cufflinks. A gold silk scarf instead of a tie, and a matching pocket square at her breast. Silver-buckled grey leather ankle boots that matched the stripes of her suit. "Sharp enough for a man, but made for a woman," she chuckled to herself. Her short black hair just brushed the edges of her collar. "This will be fun."  
Serenity straightened her scarf and walked next door. "Tali? Are you ready?"  
Tali opened the door. "I can't go out like this."  
Serenity's jaw dropped open. Who knew exosuits could be so revealing? The new polymer was both form-fitting and protective, but the constant shimmer meant it was impractical for everyday use. However, this wasn't an everyday exosuit. This was a deliberately clingy, white polymer suit enhanced with gold fibers and set with gold and platinum fittings from hood to toe. The wrap was patterned with gold and white, with a gold border. Tali was sparkling. And shapely.  
"We can stay in if you like, but I can't guarantee the suit stays on."  
Tali crossed her arms impatiently. "I know you can't see me under the hood, Shepard, but my eyes are up here."  
"Right. Because I care about your eyes right now. Tali, I'm going to need extra weapons to keep everyone off you."  
"Wait, I thought you said we couldn't bring weapons."  
"Yeah, and you said exosuits weren't sexy. It appears we were both wrong."  
Tali didn't immediately respond.  
"Er... are you blushing?"  
"Forget it, Shepard, let's just go."  
Serenity offered Tali her arm, and Tali took it with a little laugh. They walked down to the next door to pick up Jacob, who filled out his Sean John suit most stunningly.  
"Well, hello, ladies," Jacob leered. "Hoo-rah! Damn, Tali, you got it goin' on!"  
Serenity burst out laughing, and Tali blushed again.  
"Are all Humans hormonally hyperactive, or is it just your ship?"  
"Woman, have you looked in a mirror? 'Cause, damn!"  
"My mirror tells me that I am wasting precious resources that could be put to better use!"  
"Tali, there is no better use right now than showin' off that ass. Seriously."  
"And I need to have a talk with your mirror," said Serenity. "It needs to learn how to lighten up."  
"I'd rather have a talk with her ass. A good, long, hard talk."  
Tali resorted to violence, and whapped Jacob on the side of his head. "Let's go."  
They started toward the main elevator. The doors opened to reveal Garrus, Thane, and Joker, who all looked very sad and serious. Garrus was holding a bouquet of slightly wilted flowers.  
"Tali," Garrus sounded horribly nervous and upset, "I just want you to know, that if you want to leave me for Commander Shepard, I... I understand. I... I'll never be half the man she is." He choked back a fake sob.  
"You son of a - " Serenity bounded for the door, but Thane threw up a biotic barrier, and she stopped herself before slamming into it.  
"GO GO GO!" shouted Garrus as he and Joker practically fell over laughing. Thane hit the button, the elevator doors closed and they disappeared.  
"I'm going to kill him."  
"I know! He left with my flowers!"  
Serenity glared at Tali, who giggled.  
Jacob choked back laughter. "Yeah, this is going to be a fun evening."  
They took the elevator to the main floor, found themselves right at the edge of a newly declared "Passing Zone," and overheard a Human pilot explaining the concept to a Turian medic.  
"Yeah, so, if you're in this area, you're not supposed to leave without making a pass at another person," said the pilot cheerfully as he sipped his drink.  
"A pass?"  
"Yeah, a sexually suggestive comment that invites further sexual contact. Usually you try to be subtle about it, but sometimes being blatant helps."  
"I'm not sure I follow," said the Turian, and looked very seriously at the young pilot.  
"You know, a pick up line. Like, I could say something about how your armor would look better on the floor next to my bed."  
"So it would."  
"Yeah, and then.... Wait, what? Wait a minute. Are you hitting on me?"  
Serenity laughed and headed backstage with Tali and Jacob. "Good to know the open bar is going to good use."

Lorik looked curiously at Serenity. "You know, I never knew you were, er... interested in women."  
"I'm not," Serenity said, slightly defensively. "They're interested in me."  
"Oh really?"  
Serenity sighed. "Yes, really. I prefer men, personally. Well, one in particular. But I can't stop women from throwing themselves at me, can I?"  
"And your ... one... he doesn't mind?"  
Serenity shrugged.  
Jack peeked out from the dressing room, saw Serenity in conversation with Lorik Qui'in. "I bet you anything she's giving him the 'It's not cheating if it's with the same sex' speech."  
"What?"  
Jack looked over at Miranda. "You've never heard that one? She has to be really drunk to bring it up first, but if you ask her she'll start going on about it." Jack glanced over at Serenity again, grinned. "I'm gonna go fuck with her head." Jack wrapped herself in a robe and scampered out to where Serenity was standing. The other contestants watched curiously. Jack, looking very serious, pulled Serenity's head down so she could whisper in her ear. After a few seconds, Jack turned back and ran away, leaving Serenity gritting her teeth and pointedly not looking at Jack.  
"What did you say to her?" Miranda asked curiously.  
Jack grinned. "I didn't say anything," she said and waggled her pierced tongue suggestively.  
Gabby burst out laughing. "Oh, that is awesome! My turn, my turn!" She wriggled at the clasp of her bathing suit, threw a towel haphazardly around her waist, and ran out to Serenity. "Commander, could you fix this for me? It's totally gonna fall off!" Gabby clutched at her bathing suit top just before it did exactly that, which made her towel slip, revealing her beautifully freckled upper thigh. "Oh crap!"  
Lorik fumbled his drink in shock.  
Serenity grit her teeth again, and helped Gabby put herself back together. "Why didn't you ask one of the others to help you?"  
Gabby pretended to frown. "How do you think it got loose in the first place? Anyway, thanks a million, Commander!" Gabby flashed her brightest smile, and ran back to the dressing room.  
Lorik stared at Serenity. "Does that happen to you often?"  
Serenity shook her head. "They're doing it on purpose."  
"Really?" Lorik sipped his drink slowly, and showed no inclination to move.  
Back in the dressing room, Miranda adjusted her bathrobe and waited a decent interval before running out to Serenity. "Look!" She held out her leg, showing off her slippers. "Bunny slippers! Aren't these just great?" she gushed. Waited until she saw the flush rising on Serenity's face and knew perfectly well that Serenity wasn't looking at her admittedly adorable fuzzy pink slippers but rather a bit higher. Miranda laughed, pulled her robe so it was closed all the way, and ran back to the dressing room to a chorus of wild laughter from the others.  
Lorik frowned. "I think I missed something."  
"I need another drink," said Serenity and stalked over to the bar.  
"No fair," pouted Kelly. "I haven't had my chance yet."  
"Just wait," advised Jack. "She'll be back."  
"Are you sure?" Kelly asked.  
Jack looked pointedly around the room. "This room is full of hot chicks who are all trying to get a rise out of her. She'll be back."  
Kelly looked around the room, and a light seemed to go off over her head as she came up with an idea. Giggling, she pulled the others close and began to whisper her plan.  
Serenity had roamed the room, making sure that the Urdnots were comfortably settled on the far side of the room from the Turians, using the Humans and the small group of visiting Asari as a buffer between them. The Judges' dais was all set, as was the table where she would be sitting with Tali. Across from them, in the balcony, were Garrus and Joker, checking each other's tuxedos and obviously planning out their plans to annoy Serenity later in the evening. Tali was talking with Lia, who was also wearing a creation from the new line of exosuits from the House of Zaitsev. No longer half-starved and browbeaten, her rounded figure and confident poise were ample reason for the crowd surrounding the two Quarian women.  
Serenity smiled, helped Jacob with some setup on the stage, and eventually found herself standing next to Lorik again. "What are you doing?"  
The Administrator gestured towards the door of the dressing room. "They keep peeking out at me."  
"What are they up to now?" Serenity grumbled.  
With a terrified shriek, Kelly ran out of the dressing room and right into Serenity. "Oh! Commander! Thank the Maker!" She pulled the flimsy dressing gown tighter, and hid behind Serenity. "Kill it! Do something!"  
"What? What are you talking about?"  
"There's a bug! In the room!" Kelly pointed, shaking, at the door of the dressing room.  
"I never should have put you all in the same room," Serenity muttered.  
"There are no bugs on Noveria, that's impossible," said Lorik sharply.  
"Well there's something in there!" Kelly snapped back.  
Serenity shook her head and entered the dressing room. Miranda and Gabby were clad only in their underwear, clutching each other and hiding by the far wall. "Jack! No!"  
Jack, who was wearing a large towel wrapped around her, released a surge of biotic energy and turned towards Serenity. "Fine, then you do something about it! It went under there!" She pointed at one of the makeup tables.  
Serenity bent down and looked under the table. "Hrm." She pulled off her jacket, handed it to Miranda, and crawled under the table. Moved aside one of the storage bins holding the various accouterments that went with the outfits. "Does anyone have a flashlight?"  
"Did you find something?" asked Kelly nervously.  
"Yeah, it looks like there's a hole here. I want to get a closer look."  
Kelly turned to Lorik. "Pay up," she purred.  
Lorik sighed, and pulled out a credit chit.  
Serenity crawled out from underneath the table. "What?"  
Kelly smiled. Leaned over, her hands on her knees, purred. "I bet him that if we got you on your hands and knees and showed you a hole, the first thing you would do is try to get a really good look at it."  
Serenity stood up, brushing lint and dust from her pants, and walked over to Miranda, who was wearing her jacket and giggling silently. Without a word she pulled her jacket off Miranda, and started to leave the room - but not before Miranda noticed a half-smile on her face. Miranda started to laugh openly, and Serenity had trouble keeping the frown on her face as she left the room. She paused to grab Lorik, who would happily have stayed behind, and dragged him out of the room. "Okay, you've all had your fun. Now get dressed!"  
The women gathered at the door, and in perfect concert waved good-bye to Serenity, then blew her a parting kiss before they closed the door.

"Hello, everyone, and welcome to the First Miss Normandy Beauty Pageant!" Jacob waited for the cheering to die down before continuing. "My name is Jacob Taylor, and I'll be your host for the evening. I hope everyone is ready to see the very best in beautiful women tonight!" Jacob grinned. "First off, let's do some introductions. Our Judging Council, consisting of: Chairman Martin Burns, from the Transhuman Subcommitte!" Burns got up, took a bow. "Port Hanshan's very own Administrator, Lorik Qui'in," Lorik got up and bowed as well, raising his glass to the group of visiting Asari. "And since Salarians have no sex drive, we have invited the greatly respected Clan Leader, Urdnot Wrex, to take their place on our Council!" Wrex grinned widely and bowed to the crowd. "And last, but certainly not least, an Asari Matriarch we would all like to get behind, Matriarch Aethyta of Illium!" Aethyta, dressed in proper Matriarchial robes, stood and bowed politely to a chorus of wild cheers as her cleavage was revealed to the crowd. She chuckled and sat down again.  
Jacob went on. "And those are our judges. Now let me introduce our official commentators, Tali'Zorah," Tali stood and curtsied, as Serenity had shown her and told her to do. All the men in the rows nearest the table where Tali and Serenity were sitting fell over. "You're right, Shepard, that was just like penguins."  
Serenity laughed, Tali blushed and sat down again.  
"I hate you," Tali whispered, forgetting that her mic was already connected.  
Serenity had to hide her head in her arms to stop laughing, while Jacob, choking back a laugh, went on with the introductions. "And I'm sure I don't need to introduce Serenity Shepard to everyone, but I will," Jacob grinned at Serenity, who appeared to have recovered. "Also, just so you all know - she helped design all the swimsuits and dresses you'll be seeing this evening, so that's one more thing to thank her for."  
"Thank you, Commander Shepard!" the entire room said as one.  
Since Serenity couldn't see the teleprompter screen that Joker and Garrus had set up, that came as quite a shock to her, and she turned bright red in embarrassment. Joker nearly fell over laughing at the sight of Serenity completely speechless.  
"Moving on," said Jacob quickly. "I've been asked not to validate the unofficial commentators by introducing them, so I won't."  
With perfect timing, the spotlight swung over to the balcony where Joker and Garrus were sitting.  
"Security through obscurity, eh?" sneered Joker.  
"What? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," snapped Garrus.  
"You're telling me. Wait, shut up, he's about to get to the part where he introduces the women."  
"Women. So wait, any woman can join this pageant?"  
Joker pulled out a datapad. "No, the rules state that they have to have served on the Normandy."  
"Does it say they have to be women?"  
Joker stared at Garrus as if he was insane. "What kind of question is that?"  
"Well, I'm just wondering what definition you crazy people are using."  
Joker made a noise of disgust, and the datapad beeped as he pulled up the rules. "Okay, woman, defined as 'an adult female.'"  
"What? That's a useless and roundabout definition. What's a female?"  
"Do I really have to explain this to you?" asked Joker impatiently while the crowd snickered.  
"I mean, for the rules. It is in there, right? Otherwise you could have entered the contest."  
Joker glared at Garrus, and pulled up a new entry on the datapad. "Let's see here, the Standard Galactic Dictionary. Female, defined as 'of, relating to, or being the sex that bears young or produces eggs, one bearing all the characteristics of the female of a species, such as, one who has slept with and/or has plans to sleep with Commander Shepard.'"  
There was a distinct pause, and then everyone in the room pulled out their omni-tool and accessed the dictionary.  
"I am going to kill you two," gasped Serenity as she read the newly updated definition.  
Joker and Garrus were both too convulsed with laughter to reply, as were most of the people in the room.  
"Oooh, it needs pictures," said Tali. Serenity looked at her in disbelief. "Well, it does!" said Tali defensively.  
Jacob coughed, and the spotlight returned to the stage. "Well, now that we've settled the nature of our contestants, why don't we move on to introducing them?"  
Gabby walked onstage, smiling, wearing a dark blue, one-piece swimsuit with open sides. The top was held closed by a jeweled clasp that sparkled just under her dark red hair as she turned, showing off the low-cut back. Her heels were classic black pumps, dangerously high, but showed off her toned calves excellently.  
"Our first contestant, Gabriella Daniels!"  
Everyone cheered, and Gabby smiled at the crowd.  
"Tell us about yourself, Gabby. What do you do?"  
"I'm an engineer," Gabby waited while the wild cheering from fellow geeks, led by her cohort Kenn, died down. "I'm really good with my hands. I love working on engines, and making sure that everything is well-maintained down below." Gabby delivered the wicked double entendre without blushing.  
"Right," said Jacob, trying not to smile. "Our next contestant is Miranda Lawson. Just so everyone knows, I saw her first. And I'm armed."  
Miranda walked down the runway with a wide grin, and flashed a bright smile at Jacob, displaying her perfect body clad in a scanty, solid black, mostly backless, haltertop swimsuit. Her heels were sparkling red, and when she turned to display the rear of the swimsuit there was an audible gasp from the men in the front.  
"Well, Miranda, why don't you tell us something about yourself?"  
Miranda smiled. "All right then. We're still not actually dating, Jacob. Remember?" She smiled for the crowd and sauntered back to the lineup area, to a chorus of wild laughter at the look on Jacob's face.  
"Right. Serves me right. Okay, our next contestant is, oh huh... weird. Hey, Shepard, could you come up here for a second?"  
Serenity walked up to the stage and stood next to Jacob, who was fumbling with a datapad. While she was facing him, her back was to the contestants' entrance. She heard someone walking on stage, and turned to see who it was.  
"Our next contestant," said Jacob triumphantly, "is Doctor Liara T'Soni, formerly of the Normandy." He grinned at the shock on Serenity's face. "By the way, this was totally my idea."  
Liara walked up, wearing a solid white strapless bikini top with a minuscule high-cut bottom, and matching white open-toed high heels. "Aren't you going to say hello?"  
Serenity stared at Jacob, then grabbed the microphone from him and jumped down into the crowd. "Typical Alliance soldier! A half-naked Asari has just appeared behind you. What would you say?"  
The random soldier mumbled something incoherent about blue.  
"Yeah, that's what I thought. Let's try someone else. Random Turian soldier! A half-naked Asari -"  
"You're blocking my view. Please, I will never see something like this again!"  
"Right, sorry. Anyway, I think I've made my point." Serenity handed back the microphone and climbed back onstage, glad that she wasn't wearing a dress. "Liara! Hi!"  
Liara pouted. "That's all the greeting I get?"  
Serenity considered, then swept Liara into a breathtaking kiss.  
"Well." Jacob checked his watch. "They have to come up for air eventually." He waited another minute. "Okay, that's enough, Shepard. Shepard?" He looked around. "Anyone got any ideas?"  
Miranda ran up to where Liara and Serenity were still locked together. "I have one!"  
"Oh good," said Jacob. "Maybe you could.... Oh... my...."  
Miranda's idea didn't have anything to do with making them stop kissing, it was to pull one of Serenity's arms around her and join in. Her idea worked admirably, as far as the crowd was concerned, judging by the roar.  
Wrex chuckled from the judge's dias. "I think you're gonna need a hose."  
"Or a crowbar," said Aethyta.  
"A hose and a crowbar."  
Jacob tried again. "Uh, Shepard, could you... hello? Miranda? Anybody?"  
"Shut up!" shouted someone from the crowd. "And move out of the way!"  
Tali sighed. "Fine, I'll do it." Tali walked up to the stage, but Serenity broke the kiss as soon as she heard Tali's feet on the stage. "Come on, Shepard. Now." Tali pointed back to the commentator's table.  
Liara and Miranda were leaning on each other, arms around each other's waist, both looking slightly dazed and staring at Serenity as she walked back to the commentator's table. Serenity fixed her jacket and sat down without speaking, just licked her lips a few times and took another sip of her drink without meeting anyone's eyes.  
"Miranda, we have to have a talk later on. Since we all know way too much about Dr. T'Soni now, I guess I should introduce the next contestant, Kelly Chambers. Miranda, could you please stop clinging to Dr. T'Soni?"  
"What? Oh!" Miranda let go and stepped away with a blush.  
Liara looked away nervously. "I blame Shepard."  
Miranda nodded in agreement.  
Kelly walked up to Jacob, wearing high-heeled black leather strappy sandals that laced across her instep and around her shapely ankles. Her swimsuit was patterned with green and white tiger stripes, cut very deep in the front and on the sides, and almost completely backless, cupping her curves sharply. She paused, turned neatly on her toes, showing off the front and back of her swimsuit, to a chorus of wild cheers.  
"Well, tell us something about yourself, Kelly," said Jacob.  
Kelly smiled sweetly. "I'm a trained counselor, but most people don't know that I'm also a licensed massage therapist!"  
"Is that why your room has that couch?" quipped Garrus.  
Joker pretended to slap him. "Do not mock the couch, my friend."  
Kelly didn't break her smile or miss a beat. "I'm pretty sure the couch is big enough, Garrus, but I've never given a massage to a Turian," she said in her sweetest, most innocent voice. "You weren't interested last time you were in my room. Not in a massage, anyway...."  
"Garrus, you're a dead man," snarled Tali.  
Garrus gulped nervously.  
With a satisfied smirk and a round of appreciative laughter from the crowd, Kelly walked back to the lineup.  
"And our final contestant, last but certainly not least, Jack!"  
Grunt led the Urdnots in a chorus of wild howls as Jack stalked down the runway, showing off her glittering blood-red halter-top spandex bikini with a scanty boycut bottom. She was wearing matching red leather ankle boots, that laced up the side, and when she got to the end of the platform, she knelt down and took off her shoes.  
"Check this shit out!" she bragged, showing off her tattoos that went all the way down to her toes. Of course, such a pose naturally attracts attention to a well-shaped leg, and in Jack's case, a very finely arched foot.  
Most of the people at the front of the stage beat a fast retreat as the Krogans rushed up to get a good look at Jack's toes. A few Asari held their ground, but the shared admiration of Jack's feet prevented any further disturbance.  
"Okay, I'm going to have to ask you not to touch the contestants until after the pageant is over," said Jacob politely. "And may I remind you, I'm armed. And a biotic."  
Jack's admirers reluctantly backed away, and Jack walked to the lineup, her shoes tied together and tossed over her shoulder.  
"Jack, did you really tell them that your toes taste like candy?" Jacob asked.  
"Yeah," Jack grinned, "I dipped them in ryncol!"  
"I like her," observed Wrex.  
"And those are our lovely contestants!" Jacob gestured towards the line of women. In perfect synchronization, they all struck a chorus line pose and smiled at the spotlight to wild applause. "And now, it's time for our first uncommercial break, sponsored by Rodam Expeditions! The perfect antidote to boredom - Rodam Expeditions! Located on Level 28, Zakera Ward of the Citadel."  
While Jacob was talking, the stagehands set up a projector and Jack and Gabby posed as if they were holding up the screen. Liara and Miranda quickly shrugged on lab coats, and Miranda put on a pair of fake glasses while Liara took the laser pointer. Serenity grinned, realizing that everyone must have known about secretly adding Liara to the lineup, and shook her head in mock disgust. Liara flashed her a bright smile, then went back to the little fake commercial break that they had come up with. Kelly took the microphone from Jacob when he was done, and began the skit.  
The screen changed to display the word: "Species."  
"Hello, everyone. We're going to give you a quick demonstration on the differences between the various species in Council space, using a simple theoretical experiment," said Kelly.  
Miranda pulled out a datapad and used it to advance the presentation by one slide, and it now displayed two tin cans and a piece of string.  
"The parameters of the experiment were, to leave two members of the same species alone in a room, with two tin cans and one piece of string." As Kelly spoke, Liara highlighted each item on the screen. "We would return in one Standard hour, to see how each species responded to the stimuli."  
The next screen appeared, displaying an Asari commando, standing at attention and an Asari scientist, holding a datapad.  
"We're going to go alphabetically, so Species one will be the Asari." The screen changed to show a closed door. "When we returned in an hour, we found," the screen changed to show the two Asari, naked and cuddling each other on the floor. "Three Asari. Possibly four. Note that the tin cans and string," Liara pointed to them, lying on the table in the room, "are untouched."  
"Species two," the screen changed to show two Batarians scowling at the audience. "The Batarians. When we returned," the screen now showed one Batarian standing on the table, and the other cowering in the corner. "One Batarian was oppressing the other in the name of the Tin Can gods, and their holy prophet, the String." Everyone in the audience burst out laughing.  
"Species three," the screen displayed two Drell, sitting in quiet meditation, "the Drell, who in one hour," Miranda advanced to the next slide, showing the two Drell in the exact same pose but inside the room, "remembered a lifetime's worth of memories that are all more interesting than some silly tin cans and string."  
"Species four," the screen displayed two Elcor. "The Elcor, who needed a different room because they didn't fit in the closet we were originally using." The screen displayed two Elcor, each holding up one tin can connected to the other by the string. In a perfect imitation of the Elcor monotone, Kelly explained, "Sensibly, the Elcor created a communications device. Humorously, they used it to talk to each other and enjoyed how it changed the sound of their voices."  
Kelly waited for the laughter to die down before continuing. "Species five! The Hanar!" A picture of Blasto appeared on the screen. "Not that one." Miranda advanced to the correct slide, that of two Hanar floating idly next to each other. "We offered the Hanar a water-based room, but they politely declined because they didn't want to put us to all that trouble. So we used our regular room, and when we returned in an hour, we found," the screen showed the Hanar floating across from each other, separated by the table with the tin cans and string on it. "We found that they had been politely offering the tin cans to each other for an hour. A whole hour. Over and over." Kelly shook her head. "It's a good thing we didn't tell them about the Holy String Prophet."  
"Species six is Humanity, and not surprisingly, we got some odd results. First of all, Humans have much more marked sexual dimorphism than any other intelligent species in the galaxy." The screen displayed two men standing next to each other, then changed to show two women, then a man and a woman. "Which leads to some odd behavioral differences. These are the same people, five minutes after the first picture." The screen displayed the two men, one poking the other and the other looking irritated; the two women fixing each other's hair; and the man and the woman in the same pose. "Here is five minutes after that, in the same room." The screen displayed the two men, standing very stiffly, one with a black eye; the two women, examining each other's nails; and the man and the woman still in the same pose. "And here's five minutes after that, when they thought they were alone in the room and nobody was watching." The two men were kissing; the two women were kissing; and the man and the woman were kissing and ripping off each other's clothes. Kelly had to wait for the laughter to die down again before continuing. "In an hour, we found that 66% of the Humans, regardless of gender pairings, had ended up having sex with each other, possibly using the tin cans, the string, or some combination. The rest of the Humans decided they were sexually incompatible for some reason or another, and ended up using the tin cans and string," the screen changed to show a scene of wreckage, "to build something that explodes. We're not really sure how they did that."  
"Moving on to Species seven, the Krogan," the screen displayed two Krogan glaring at each other. "After leaving the two Krogans, Sam and Max, alone in the room for an hour, we returned to find," the screen displayed one Krogan, lying dead on the floor and the other wrenching the remains of a tin can from the dead Krogan's hand, "that they had split the loot evenly, built weapons out of the tin cans and string, and then fought to the death over it. The winner was making a new two-can weapon from the spoils of victory." The screen showed the surviving Krogan proudly displaying his new weapon, to loud cheering from certain sections of the audience. "He now goes by Two-can Sam, in honor of his victory."  
"Species eight, the Quarians!" The screen showed two Quarians, looking very innocent. "We left them alone in the room for an hour, with the two tin cans and string. We came back and found," the screen showed the two Quarians, and half a YMIR mech that they were in the process of assembling. "We still have no idea where all those parts came from. They were arguing over the VI parameters and trying to make some kind of new junction with the fuel lines. We're not really sure." The screen showed the two Quarians with two-thirds of a newly assembled mech. "We turned our backs for a few minutes, one of the cameras disappeared, and the mech got taller. We decided to just let them have the room, and we went somewhere else. Quickly."  
"Species nine is the Salarians." The screen showed two Salarian scientists. "We left them alone, as usual," the screen showed the two Salarians looking curiously at the tin cans and string. "We came back in an hour," the screen changed to show the two Salarians sitting in front of two computer banks, in a room bristling with electronic surveillance equipment. "And we had to double-check that we had come back to the right room. They had somehow managed to build a small communications and surveillance station, and were using it to spy on each other."  
"Species ten, the Turians." The screen displayed two Turians, in uniform, standing at attention. "We left them alone with the tin cans and string, and came back in an hour." The screen showed the Turians, still standing at attention, the tin cans shining brightly and the string neatly coiled. "They had polished the tin cans and cleaned them, washed the string and straightened it, then rolled it into a perfect circle for storage." Kelly paused. "We have no idea where they found soap and water, and we declined to ask. They also dusted the entire room, and straightened the table to a perfect ninety-degree angle from the door, because it originally had been off by three degrees. And of course, they made a report of everything they fixed." The screen briefly flashed a datapad with a list of items.  
"Species eleven is the Volus. We left the two Volus alone with the tin cans and string." The screen showed two Volus, casually greeting each other, then changed to show them playing with the tin cans. "We returned to discover that they had developed a tin can stock exchange." In the next screen, the two Volus were still playing with the cans, but were also surrounded by datapads. "One was trading in string futures." The screen changed to show a crying Asari. "They also somehow managed to bankrupt an Asari trading house by manipulating this new tin can stock exchange."  
"And last, and definitely least, we also did our experiment on the Vorcha." The screen went black. "But nobody wants to look at them, so we didn't take a preliminary picture. We left them alone for an hour, and came back to find," the screen changed to show an empty room. "Nothing. There were no tin cans, no string, no Vorchca, and no table. We have no idea what happened. And frankly, we don't care. They're Vorcha! That concludes our little experiment on the differences between species in Citadel space. We hope you enjoyed our presentation!"  
Applause drowned out the end of her sentence, and the stagehands ran out to clear away the props while the women lined up and took a bow.  
EDI's voice said pleasantly over the public address system, "And now, we'll have a ten minute break while our contestants get set up for the Talent portion of our pageant. There will be an announcement when the show is going to start again." The crowd cheered, and headed back towards the open bar and Passing Zone.  
Serenity leaned back in her chair and smiled at Tali. "This is so much fun!"  
Tali laughed. "It is! This was a great idea, Shepard."  
Wrex came down from the Judge's table. "Shepard, those jokes of yours. They're horrible."  
"I didn't write them all!" Serenity protested.  
"Yeah," chirped Tali, "she only wrote the bad ones."  
"Anyway, are you having fun, Clan Leader?"  
Wrex grinned, laid a heavy hand familiarly on Serenity's shoulder. "Indeed I am, Battlemaster. I have a date with that Matriarch for tonight."  
"Wrex!" Tali looked at him in shock. "Aren't you too old to be picking up strange women?"  
"I'm old, Tali'Zorah, not dead." Wrex laughed, "Come to the bar with me, Shepard, I need to refill my drink."  
As soon as Serenity walked off with Wrex, Garrus ran over and sat down next to Tali. "Hi!"  
"Give me my flowers or I rat you out."  
Garrus presented Tali with a fresh batch of white lilies, perfectly complementing her exosuit. "How's that?"  
"Oh! They're lovely!" Tali hugged the flowers. She leaned closer to Garrus, and embraced him while they whispered together, planning their next exploit. "Hey, watch your hands!"  
"I am," Garrus explained. "The view is really distracting."  
"Go, shoo, she's coming back." Tali waved him off, and Garrus ran back up to the balcony.  
Serenity pretended not to notice. "I wonder where Samara is."  
"She stayed on the ship, I think. She was being all grown up and boring."  
"That's too bad, she's missing out on the latest installment of 'Fleet and Flotilla.' I thought she really liked that show."  
Tali glared at Serenity, who just grinned. Tali hugged her flowers defensively. "I like flowers. Leave me alone."  
"Think of it as a preemptive strike," said Serenity dryly.  
"Please return to your seats, everyone," EDI announced. "The show will be resuming shortly."  
A stagehand ran up with a vase for Tali's flowers and swiftly arranged them for her, then ran off again.  
Tali gazed happily at her flowers as the crowd returned to their seats, and didn't notice Serenity carefully attaching two toy antennae to her helmet, with glittering gold balls on the end.  
Serenity took a sip from her drink, and concentrated on keeping a straight face. From the corner of her eye, she noted Joker giving her the 'thumbs up,' and smiled into her glass.  
Jacob walked back on stage, "Hello, and welcome back to the Miss Normandy Pageant! Is everybody ready for more?" The crowd shouted assent, and Jacob continued. "Okay, for this Talent competition, we insisted that the talent displayed be utterly useless for combat. It has to be a frivolous talent, like singing or dancing. So let's welcome our first contestant for this round, Liara!"  
Liara walked out, wearing a black and silver Asari robe.  
Serenity checked her notes. "Liara is wearing a lovely silk and metallic polymer weave creation from the House of Chan. Asari styling, Human craftmanship, and a really hot body to model it. Still, it does need something...."  
Liara looked over at Serenity in shock.  
"It needs to be on the floor of my hotel room."  
Liara blushed delicately and turned back to Jacob.  
"So, Liara, what talent will you be demonstrating for us tonight?"  
"I am going to sing a traditional Asari love song."  
"Oh, how wonderful," grumbled Joker. "Four minutes of meowing kittens."  
"You've never even heard an Asari love song," Garrus countered. "How can you be so judgmental?"  
"I've heard an Asari in love. That was more than enough. I'm just kidding, babe, you know that right?"  
"Can it, you two!" Tali snapped, and ignored the giggling from the crowd, assuming it was due to the situation.  
"Thank you," said Jacob. "Can you tell us about your song, Liara?"  
"Certainly, although if Joker interrupts me again, I will crush every bone in his body."  
"Try it, bitch!" snarled a savage voice from right behind Joker.  
"She's joking," said Joker hurriedly, and turned to the shadowed area behind him. "Down, baby, down. No killing! Not even hot naked, Asari-on-Asari killing." He turned back to the stage. "Sorry, she gets overprotective." He turned back to the woman behind him. "Did I mention you're super sexy when you're being overprotective?"  
Garrus pretended he was throwing up.  
"Okay, seriously," commanded Tali. "Enough from the peanut gallery!"  
Serenity looked at Liara, then at Joker, nodded to Liara.  
"My song," Liara explained, "is an old folk song about a forbidden love affair."  
The crowd made appreciative noises, clapped encouragingly.  
The music started, and Liara began to sing. The room was silent, the greatest tribute a performer can have. The song was luscious, sensuous, beautiful. Even without understanding the words of the ancient song, everyone could sense the desperate longing, the sorrow, the love. Liara's voice, while not powerful, matched the emotion of the song perfectly. Her performance ended to rapturous applause. Liara made a graceful bow, and went back to the lineup.  
"That was amazing," sighed Jacob. "Hey, if you're not tied up with Shepard later on, I'm apparently going to be free." Liara smiled sweetly, but didn't respond. "Anyway, let's lighten it up a little. Our next contestant, Gabby, promised she would make everyone smile."  
Gabby walked out on stage, wearing a floppy beret, a bright blue smock shirt, and tattered baggy black pants. Everyone laughed, and for the people who didn't get the obscure cultural reference, she was also carrying an easel which she set up with the assistance of the stagehands. They also brought out a stool for her, and she set up a sketchpad and opened a box filled with pencils, brushes, and tubes.  
"So, Gabby, you're an artist."  
She nodded. "I do sketching, some watercolors, not much with oils. Sometimes I do gouache."  
"I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds sexy."  
Gabby grinned. "So, yeah, I'm gonna do a quick portrait. Do I just ask for a volunteer?"  
"Hey Tali," said Jacob, "Come up here and pose for Gabby."  
Everyone cheered, suddenly realizing they were all in on the joke. Tali reluctantly walked up to the stage, and the stagehands brought out a chair for her.  
Gabby posed her in a traditional side sitting pose, and began doing a sketch in pencil. As it happened, Gabby really was a talented artist and loved doing portrait sketches.  
"So, Gabby, how about you? You still single?" Jacob asked.  
"She was never single!" Kenn shouted. "Keep your eyes off my woman, Taylor!"  
"Sheesh, calm down, he's just hitting on everybody tonight," said Gabby absently. The crowd snickered, and Gabby went on sketching. "Besides, you can't blame him for being a little crazy. Miranda's kind of addictive."  
"Yeah," Jacob agreed, "and this is totally out of the blue, too. Wait. How do you know that?"  
"What the hell have you girls been up to?" shouted Kenn. "And why didn't you send me any pictures?"  
Gabby just kept grinning, and sketching while the audience jeered and laughed at Kenn and Jacob. Gabby finished her sketch, and held it up for the crowd. The people right in front cheered wildly, and the overhead screens displayed it for everyone else. It took Tali a second to realize that all the screens were perfectly tilted so that she couldn't see it.  
Tali walked up to Gabby, so she could see the picture. She made a shocked squeaking noise, and reached up to check her helmet. "What? Who?" She was too angry to form complete sentences, but was laughing at the same time. "They match! Who would do that!"  
Gabby was laughing so hard she couldn't actually answer, and Jacob was pretending he didn't know.  
"I can't undo these, Jacob. Get them off."  
"They're cute!" he protested, but undid the tiny screws and handed the antennae to Tali before she hit him.  
The stagehands set up the sketch on a display behind Jacob, and Gabby took her place in the line while Tali returned to her seat.  
Tali hit Serenity with the antennae. "It was you, wasn't it."  
"I have no idea what you are talking about."  
Tali hit her again anyway before sitting down.  
"Ow!"  
The stagehands wheeled out a nondescript brown stand, and locked it into position near the edge of the stage.  
"Our next contestant, Jack!"  
Jack strutted onstage, wearing a hip-length sleeveless green and gold patterned tunic over a flowing floor-length gold skirt that had a slit on the right side all the way up to her hips, making it ripple beautifully behind her in a golden train as she walked, showing off her tattoed legs. Jack was barefoot again, and shot a wry grin at Serenity who pretended to frown at her.  
"Jack is modeling a lovely affair by Elise Jacobs, from the House of Vuitton. She was supposed to be wearing matching platform shoes by Nehemiah, but …"  
"A Krogan ate them," said Jack innocently.  
"Indeed," said Serenity dryly. "It appears that Krogan appreciate leather and chains more than we knew."  
Everyone laughed and Jack spun around to show off her dress to a round of cheers.  
"That's a lot of paint," Wrex observed.  
"Jack's going to demonstrate a fine, ancient human art for us today," Jacob explained.  
Jack grinned widely, and opened the box to reveal a portable bar, set up with some of the finest liquors imaginable.  
"Bartending!"  
The crowd cheered wildly and Jack pulled out five glasses with amazing speed and a different playful flourish for each glass.  
"Jack will prepare one drink for each judge," Jacob explained. "We'll start with Urdnot Wrex. What would you like to drink, sir?"  
Wrex grinned. "I'll have a Naked Bitch."  
"With eggs?" Jack asked.  
"Of course."  
Most people in the room had no idea what he was talking about, but Jack obviously did. She tossed glasses in the air, spun bottles, shook the drink to mix it while doing a little dance, all to wild cheers and clapping. She finally poured out the drink, a bizarrely green creation with suspended spots of white floating in it. Jack placed the drink carefully on a tray and one of the ubiquitous stagehands carefully brought it to Wrex who sniffed it, then nodded happily with a big smile.  
"Nice!" he chuckled before taking a careful sip. "Damn, that has a serious kick!" Wrex took another sip. "Good job!"  
"I don't want to even know what goes in a drink like that." Jacob stared at Jack. "But more importantly, Jack, have you made any plans for after the party?"  
A small toy dart hit Jacob squarely in the chest, leaving a white mark on his suit.  
"What the – " Jacob looked around, but didn't see anyone. Another dart, from a totally different part of the room hit him in the shoulder.  
"I think that's Thane's way of letting you know I'm busy."  
Jacob sighed. "Let's just move on. Matriarch Aethyta, what would you like to drink?"  
"I would like a Broken Warrior," Aethyta grinned, "extra bloodied, if you please."  
"I really like her," said Wrex. Aethyta grinned back at him.  
"Coming right up!" said Jack cheerfully, and began preparing the bizarrely red and black colored drink, spinning it with her biotics, in the traditional Asari fashion, so that it would end up layered with stripes of yellow and orange. The drink was delivered to Aethyta, who checked the layering first, then downed it in one quick gulp.  
"Hm." That was all she got out before she toppled over. "That shit's good!" she shouted. "Hey, Warlord, come join me on the floor. We'll show these kids a thing or two!"  
Wrex peeled the Asari Matriarch off the floor and settled her comfortably in his lap. "Jack, you have my thanks."  
"Anytime!" Jack spun a pair of bottles in her hands with an amazing midair flourish, and waited for the next order.  
"Administrator Qui'in, what would you like to drink?"  
"I would like a Noble Defender, if you would be so kind."  
"Sure thing," said Jack. Lorik smiled, and watched her pull out the special bottles of Turian alcohol. The drink required eight different liquors, some spices, and some rare fruits which the stagehands ran out to her at her request. She used her biotics to crush the fruits into the large bowl that served as a cup for this particular drink, then carefully blended the pulp with some icy water and the first two liquors, then set the mix on fire and let it burn for a few seconds before smothering the fire with the spices. The rest of the liquor was added, mixed, set on fire again, and then sent to Lorik with a separate glass filled with cubes of ice.  
Lorik grinned, popped an ice cube in his mouth, and then took a deep drink from the flaming bowl. The fire shifted perfectly as he drank, indicating that the right concentration of liquor had been achieved. All the Turians cheered as he drank, and Lorik stood and bowed to Jack. "It is perfection, my dear."  
Jack grinned, and curtseyed in reply, trying to pretend that she wasn't blushing.  
Another toy dart hit Jacob in the chest.  
"What the hell was that for!" Jacob exclaimed.  
"Oh, I think you know," Thane's voice, coming from somewhere in the rafters, sounded grim.  
Jacob muttered something about men's eyes and skirts before he moved towards the edge of the stage on the other side of Jack.  
"Chairman Burns, what would you like to drink?"  
"Er, I would like a Flying Purple People Eater, please." Martin coughed nervously.  
Jack grinned, and started tossing bottles and glasses around, mixing the six liquors and four juices that went into the drink. When the solidly purple drink was complete, she set a little umbrella on top, and sent it to him.  
"Oh, thank you!" said Martin happily. He took out the umbrella, and spun it with a grin before taking a generous swig. "Oh, this is excellent! Very frothy. Thank you!"  
"You're welcome," grinned Jack. She started mixing another drink. "This one doesn't count!" The drink was oddly green and looked slightly radioactive.  
"Who's that for?" Jacob asked.  
Jack didn't answer, just smiled, and used her biotics to send the drink to the ceiling, where it disappeared behind a rafter. "Nothin', never mind, you didn't see anything. Okay, I'm done." Jack took another bow to a round of applause, then walked back to stand next to Gabby while the stage was cleared.  
A stagehand, carrying a tray with the remains of a green drink in it and a folded piece of paper, walked up to Jack. "The voice said to give this to you."  
Jack picked up the note, and read it. Her face softened, and she smiled very sweetly, completely unlike her normal brash smile. She tucked the note into her dress, and tried to stop smiling but couldn't quite do it, not with the little love note touching her skin and reminding her of him every second.  
"You're such a sap," commented Gabby.  
"I am not!" Jack protested.  
"Quiet, please, we're about to have our next contestant." The stagehands were setting up some mats on the floor, and brought out a silk cushion covered in a dark red flower pattern.  
Serenity raised an eyebrow. She didn't remember anyone saying they needed tatami mats.  
The stagehands arranged the mats in the proper configuration, and carried out a large wooden instrument, with thirteen strings over ivory bridges.  
Serenity's eyes widened.  
"Our next contestant, Miranda, will be performing on the koto, an instrument from ancient Earth history. She will be performing," Jacob read the unfamiliar words from the datapad, "a selection of waka from the Kokin Wakashû set to o-koto music. I'm sorry if that makes no sense to you, I have no idea what she's talking about either."  
Serenity stared as Miranda walked onstage, wearing a full Heian court jûnihitoe kimono – all twelve layers. Her outfit was perfect, the richly patterned silk of her robes contrasting beautifully with one another, and she had even gotten all the accessories right, from her hair bound up and decorated with a court musician's headdress, to her feet, invisible beneath the folds of the kimono but clattering with the distinctive sound of geta. Miranda knelt gracefully on the cushion, her kimono still correctly hiding her feet, and leaned over the koto and began to play.  
Serenity doubted that there were more than three or four people in the crowd who could follow what Miranda was singing. Serenity watched in rapt appreciation as Miranda performed four pieces as classically and perfectly as any Heian court maiden.  
The crowd cheered when she was done, although most of them felt the performance was over their heads.  
"That was an excellent performance," said Martin Burns, "what gave you the idea?"  
Miranda resisted the urge to look at Serenity. "I realized that I didn't have any frivolous skills, so I picked something at random. Also, I love wearing this outfit."  
"It suits you well. Would you mind giving us a better look at it?"  
"Not at all," said Miranda happily. She stood, gracefully uncurling herself, and walked to the edge of the stage, her robes swishing with the sound of silk at every step, her geta ringing musically against the stage. The long sleeves draped gracefully to the floor, and the mass of colors, rich and bright like a summer day, accentuated her clear skin and dark hair perfectly.  
"You're drooling," Tali said to Serenity.  
"I am not!" Serenity protested. "Am I?"  
Tali pointed at Serenity's face. "Yeah, you have some, right there."  
"I do not!" Serenity wiped her face anyway, and went back to staring admiringly at Miranda as she modeled the kimono.  
"You look a little surprised," Jacob smirked. "Didn't Miranda tell you what she was doing for her performance?"  
"No," Serenity admitted. "I thought she was going to play the piano or something."  
"Miranda, did you … lie to Shepard?" said Jacob, pretending to be shocked.  
"Well, she lied about the kissing contest, so I think I was justified."  
"The what."  
Serenity decided to hide under the table as everyone turned to stare at her, except for Miranda, Tali, Jack, Gabby, and Kelly, who all put on their most innocent faces.  
"No, seriously. What?"  
"Never mind, Jacob."  
"Wait a min," Kenn shouted, "Gabby, tell me you weren't involved in this!"  
"Okay," said Gabby cheerfully, "I wasn't involved in the kissing contest."  
"Say it like you mean it, woman!"  
"Uh..." Gabby grinned. "No, that's a waste of energy. I drew pictures but Shepard took them."  
"You what!" Kenn shouted.  
"We all had our clothes on, calm down, sheesh. You're so excitable."  
Jacob just stared in shock.  
Tali giggled, then squirmed away. "Shepard!"  
"I'm not doing anything!" protested Serenity from underneath the table, her voice suspiciously close to Tali.  
"Shepard! Get your hands off my girlfriend!" shouted Garrus.  
"My hands aren't on your girlfriend!" she shouted back.  
"Fine, get your tongue off my girlfriend."  
There was a moment of silence before Serenity answered. "You're no fun."  
Serenity returned to her seat, laughing along with the crowd. "So, Jacob, are we ready to move on to the last contestant?"  
"No."  
Serenity raised an eyebrow. "What is it now?"  
"Well, Shepard... are you doing anything later on tonight?"  
Everyone laughed.  
"I think there's a line," Wrex observed.  
"You probably need a number," said the voice behind Joker at almost the same time.  
Joker whipped his datapad, and changed the viewscreen over Serenity's head to read, "NOW SERVING #4."  
Serenity frowned, pretending to be annoyed. "Okay, I think we can move on now, don't you?"  
"Sure," Jacob agreed. The stagehands ran out, and started setting up the stage for Kelly's performance. "And now, our final contestant, Kelly Chambers!" The stagehands laid down a dance floor, and were erecting a pole in the center when Kelly walked out, wearing a vintage outfit of the "Vegas Showgirl" style from old Earth, complete with a feathered headpiece. The bright green and black lace of her high-cut bodysuit were so different from the standard Asari dancer outfits that there was nothing but stunned silence for a moment, as Kelly strutted up the runway, her heels clicking on the parquet flooring and her hips swaying seductively under the frills of lace. "Kelly will be performing a traditional Vegas pole dance for us tonight. You can thank Shepard for the costume," Jacob coughed, "such as it is. Kelly also did the music selection and remixing, yet another of her hidden talents." Kelly turned, showing off the seams in her black stockings.  
The viewscreen over Serenity's head updated to read, "The following performance should not be viewed or listened to by anyone with a cardiovascular impairment."  
Kelly struck her starting pose, her hips cocked and one hand on the pole, and the music began. It was a slow, sensuous song, called "Big Spender." Very old-fashioned, and Kelly gyrated around the pole in time with the song. Just as the song got to the first chorus, the vocal track was overlaid with a recording of Serenity, Kelly, and Garrus having a discussion, while Kelly slowly lifted her leg high above her head, posing in a sideways split with the pole for support.  
"Kelly, I am in awe of your music collection."  
"You know what would be funny," laughed Serenity, "you should do something to make fun of your reputation, get back at everyone for all those stories they make up."  
Garrus laughed. "That would be awesome. Do you have a song for that?"  
"Of course I do," Kelly purred. "Humans have a song for everything. Everything." The last word was spoken over silence, the original song having faded away, and Kelly arched, dropped her leg and did a spin, ripping off her headpiece and the outer layer of her bodysuit as a new song started. Kelly was now wearing a bright red bodysuit with black stripes forming a cross across her breasts and down the center of her body, making sure that everyone's eyes were where she wanted them for her dance. The music was now a raucous, loud song that opened with a wild guitar solo, and now Kelly was really dancing, leaving no one in any doubt as to the phallic symbolism of the pole. The song was instrumental, but Kelly had mixed in recorded samples from another one of her experiments as a layered audio track.  
"Commander, can I ask you a question?"  
"Kelly, the only thing I'm in command of right now is this bottle. So unless you plan to incorporate this bottle into your chain of command, drop the formality."  
"Kenn, do you have time to help me with a little experiment?"  
"What? Oh, oh, well, of course, if it's," the sound of kissing could clearly be heard, "for science."  
Gabby's voice, shocked, "I can't believe he fell for that! Is this real? What are you...? Oh. Right. For science!"  
"Jacob, can I get you to help me with a little research?"  
"Oh? You need me to pump up your numbers? Whip out a bar graph?" There was laughter, kissing, the sound of something falling.  
"Miranda, could I ask you - "  
"Get out. I know what you're up to, and I'm not falling for it! Out!"  
"But, it's just - "  
"Out!"  
"What, are you saving yourself for your first time or something?" Kelly shrieked in the recording, and something shattered before Kelly could be heard running away.  
"Garrus, you're good with numbers, right? Would you take a look at something for me?"  
"Oh, sure, I could.... I, um.... you... oh. Oh! Mmmmmm...."  
"Hey, Tali, could you help me out? I'm doing an experiment."  
"Sure! But the exosuit stays on."  
"What?"  
"Oh, please, I've seen your research sessions. All I'm saying is, you have to find a way to work around the suit. I'm not getting another cold just so you can humiliate Garrus."  
"Oh. Well... um..."  
"Keelah, why didn't you just ask Shepard first? Come here."  
"Oh! Oh...."  
"Joker, could I ask you a few quick questions?"  
"Oh, sure, Kelly, what's up? Hey, personal space please."  
"Oh, sorry, it's just - "  
"Hands. Watch 'em. I'm fragile, and taken."  
"Ah. Sorry. So you're not interested in validating my research."  
"What?"  
"Never mind, see you around, Joker."  
"What just happened?"  
"Zaeed, do you - "  
"I'm too old for your games, girl. Either come 'ere, or get out."  
"Samara, can I - "  
"No."  
"Right, I'll just be going."  
"So," the sound of a kiss, "can I," more kissing, "get your help with," Kelly gave a soft moan, "some research?" Kelly gave a soft whimper as Thane could be heard chuckling in the background.  
"Jack, would you - " Kelly shrieked, and there was the sound of something toppling over, and the distinctive sound of kissing. "Hey! It's for research!" Then the sound of tearing cloth. "Science, I tell you! Oh, forget it." More things crashing around, and more kissing.  
"I totally blame Thane for this," said Jack before more kissing could be heard.  
"Grunt, do you have time to help me with a little experiment?"  
"Sure, Kelly," Grunt's voice was unusually gentle. "What do you need? Why are you dressed like that?" He sounded nervous. "What... what are you ... I knew I should watched the vids."  
"Mordin? I know you're in here, Doctor. You can't hide forever!" Kelly called. "Okay, maybe you can."  
Kelly's dance had not gone unappreciated all this time, despite the reactions to the voice samples from the crowd. The Turians continued to be amazed at Human flexibility, and the Asari appeared to be taking notes. The Krogans, every single one, were completely transfixed. Kelly rolled her hips, twisted, wrapped herself around the pole, suspended herself in midair using the pole for support. The music slowed down a little, and the beat changed. Kelly crawled across the dance floor, towards the side of the stage facing the table where Serenity and Tali were sitting. She pulled herself to her knees, beckoning to Serenity.  
"Shepard," Kelly's voice on the recording asked, "can you do a lift?"  
The music now changed styles completely, as Serenity walked up to the stage, pausing only to change her shoes.  
"Oh, sweet, you know how to tango," said Kelly on the recording, and the music changed to a very sensual tango. Serenity pulled Kelly up, smoothly lifting her over her head, then rolling her down her arm back to the stage, and the two began to do a very fiery dance. Most women aren't physically strong enough to partner another woman for a true tango. Serenity did not have that problem. Kelly showed off her best moves, her best footwork, and Serenity supported her. Literally.  
The dance ended with a flourish, Kelly in a full split on the floor, her arms out and supported by Serenity, half-kneeling behind her.  
"Oh, don't act so surprised," said Serenity's voice on the recording as the music faded away. "You're half-naked and I'm fully drunk, what did you expect?"  
Kelly snickered at the look on Serenity's face, but didn't say anything, just rose to her feet, and took a bow to thunderous applause. Serenity shook her head, then took a bow with Kelly before returning to her table.  
"Please tell me that cheesy pick up line didn't work," said Jacob.  
"Oh, like you should talk!" replied Serenity. "And it was less of a 'pick up' and more of a 'fell in my lap' kind of thing."  
Jacob shook his head in mock despair. "Right, let's take another commercial break while our contestants get ready for the final part of tonight's program: the evening wear competition!"

**Author's Note:**

> Dialogue the First from "I Only Have Eyes for You," Episode 19, Season 2 of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."


End file.
